OAKWOOD A PLAYER PROFILES
JOE BOTCHIN (Goalkeeper) — Oakwood’s No. 1. Botchin has enjoyed a good debut season with the team and helped toward the quota of southern Jews required to play in the MGBSFL. Most like: Joe Hart (good shot-stopper and loves a spiel)
DEAN CAPLIN (Goalkeeper) - more strapping on his wrists than an Egyptian mummy, not a clue what it’s there for but we trust it’s doing something! Has stepped in regularly this season with some strong performances. Most like: Artur Boruc
HARVEY KAYE (Right-back) — he travels, he competes in the toughest physical challenges all over the world; in fact he does anything now a days that doesn’t involve football. But we wouldn’t have it any other way (we would!). Most like: Bradley Wiggins
JAKEY NORTON (Right-back) - rapidly making a name for himself as the fan liaison officer of Oakwood thanks to his regular song videos and drunken chants. Spends more time travelling home for games than he spends at uni - the way it should be. Top-class overlapping full-back who loves the old ‘tackle dribble’. Most like: Hector Bellerin
DAVID COHEN (Right-back/joint-manager) — DC has enjoyed a relatively injury free season (because he’s not playing as much!) and because of the magic tights he never takes off. Terrible week in week out in the square pre-game, but when that whistle blows he’s like a (little) man possessed. Most like: John Curtis
LEE WARNER (Left-back) — one thing’s for sure, Lee’s hair will ALWAYS be spot on, cup final or not. Lee is fighting to be fit for the final and is rated as 50/50. As the song goes, he still can’t take a corner. Most like: Marcus Alonso – hair/Ben Davies – football
ALEX LEE (Centre-back) — The only player in the history of the MGBSFL to do more burpees during the match than before it, regularly seen smashing out 50 press ups while he waits for Toby lEVY’s corners to float in. What a specimen. Most like: Edge from WWE
TOM CANTOR (Centre-back) — has enjoyed a good debut season with the Oaks following his move from feeder club South Manchester. Will put his head when others wouldn’t dream and can always be trusted to follow the universal Sunday League mantra of “If in doubt…” – although it’s usually his heavy first touch. Most like: Claude Makélélé or Dion Dublin
DALE BRADMAN (Centre-back) — gangly defender with legs like Inspector Gadget, there aren’t many last -ditch tackles he won’t complete. Has made the centre-half position his own in recent seasons, one of the most reliable players in the club. Most like: Laurent Blanc
LUKE BROOKNER (Centre-midield) - put him on a boggy, muddy, grassless pitch in central midfield and Lukey comes into his own, he’d eat his dinner off the stuff if it was socially acceptable. Horrible to play against, great player to have in the ranks. Most like: Lee Cattermole on speed at Burning Man
JOSH CUBY (Left-winger) — Gibraltarian wizard with more Iron Man onesies than a five-year-old (shops exclusively at ASDA George). Electric. Most like: Leroy Sane
SIMON DAVIES (Centre-midfielder) — known universally as ‘Skip’, Simon is one of the most intriguing chaps in the country, let alone the league. Currently enjoying a successful modelling career and previously a professional swiper. A safe pair of feet. Most like: John O’Shea (Mr Versatility)
KYLE BENTWOOD (Centre-midfielder) — his pre-match huddles are the stuff of legend, although he was caught plagiarising Jose’s teamtalk that inspired the comeback at the Emptihad. Pops up with goals in big matches, usually gets injured if his dad is watching. Hair not as good as his brother’s. Most like: Frank Lampard if we’re generous, Mark Noble if we’re being REALLY generous
RAFI STONE (Centre-midfield) - calm, collected, quiet but one of the most elegant midfielders in the league. His 60-yard ping is unnecessary 95 per cent of the time, but my god isn’t it beautiful! If only our wingers were good enough to take the ball out of the air. Most like: Xabi Alonso
BEN PEPPI (Centre-midfield) - May–September, there isn’t a better Jewish footballer out there. The smell of freshly mown grass and the presence of pollen in the air really get his creative juices flowing and his football benefits as a result. October to April however, we’ll leave to your imagination! Most like: Xherdan Shaqiri
TOM PRAIS (Centre-midfielder/left-back/everywhere) — Vorschprung durch TP. Sadly our midfield machine has been chugging beer all season long at Munich’s Hofbrauhaus on his university gap year, flying home for the odd match but not enough for DK’s liking. Luckily, he's flown in for today's game and will no doubt play his backside off (we hope and Prais). Most like: Fernandinho
TOBY LEVY (Left/-midfield) — swings balls in like Beckham, controls the middle of the park like Park (Ji Sung), overlaps from full-back like Roberto Carlos - there’s very little the lad Levy can’t do. Call us biased but he’s got the best delivery in the league. Amazing debut season from one of Oakwood’s key men. Most like: Face like Ronaldinho, crosses like De Bruyne
BRADLEY WINE (Right-midfield) — look away and he’s gone - literally. Bradley is the heartbeat of this Oakwood side - an ever-present who gets the side going week in week out. Enjoyed his boxing debut recently (we feel for the poor lad who had to face him - he stood absolutely no chance!) Most like: Kyle Walker meets Conor McGregor
ZACK COLLINS (Left-wing/right-wing) - tricky winger who must beat his man five times before he eventually goes round him - we’d love to know his logic here. The boy’s got wizard like dribbling skills, leaves most full-backs firmly rooted to their backside. Most like: Robert Pires
LEOR SIDLE (Striker) — the complete centre forward and captain of shower club. Enjoys the chat more than the football itself now a days but can always be relied upon in big games. Has developed a calmer head in his older age; calmer...not calm. Be seein’ you! 👌 Most like: Diego Costa
SAM CANTOR (Centre-forward) — Zlatsam Cantor – an adonis in the dressing room with the widest range of Hull City and Burnley training gear in the Greater London area. And doesn’t he wear it all so well on his Instagram story gym sessions. Most like: Michael Keane’s boot boy.
DAVID WOOLMAN (Centre-forward) — Wooly has enjoyed this year being the shirt sponsor of both Oakwood teams, a deal that has seen business shoot up some 0.115 per cent. Another Yorskhire presence in the squad who constantly drives the team forward. A real club man. Most like: Shane Long (a bloody nuisance to play against!)
JONNY QUINN (Bench) - pundits are in unanimous agreement than Jonny has made the fourth substitute position his own this season, no-one is taking that No. 15 shirt away from him. Fun fact: Jonny has travelled six times the amount of miles to get to games than minutes played this season (but his goal to minute ratio speaks for itself). Most like: Ole Gunnar Solskjaer (at Molde)
DAN KRISTALL (Joint-manager) - Sheffield Wednesday supporter Kristall led the Oaks to the title in his first season in the MGBSFL, last year, alongside Ric Blank, having won everything in the MJSL. Next on his hitlist is the Anekstein
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