CAC final preview: Oakwood pen pics


Oakwood hope it's a case of third time lucky following two cup final defeats at Wingate & Finchley.

Oakwood in its current guise began over a cheap beer in Prague between Ric Blank and Jonny Beilin. Five pints in a club was born and Beilin was abusing a local barman. Taking over existing Oakwood C in the old third division, they quickly found our way up the leagues and indeed the alphabet. Oakwood C became Oakwood B and then, you guessed it, Oakwood A. They dallied in Division One for a few years before finally going up in 2012. They've been in the Prem ever since and one day will have our hands on that trophy. But for today they’ll settle for the Anekstein

JONNY BLAIN (keeper) - Blainy (he didn’t like Blaino) has been a breath of fresh air around the club. A breath of fresh air with a dodgy knee and permanent man-flu, but a breath of fresh air nonetheless. Striker turned keeper he’s secretly hoping for pens – because he wants to take one

DEAN CAPLIN (keeper) - lovely guy and tremendous keeper who is the subject of a weekly message from Jason begging me to let Dean play in the Bs. Had a great season for both teams and delighted he’s involved today

DAVE COHEN (full-back) - Tinder has been good to DC. Since his first final at Wingate his social life has gone in new and varied directions. Yet his dedication to Oakwood has remained the same. Rarely misses a game, DC is the heartbeat of the dressing room. Single

ALEX LEE (centre half) - oh how we could have done with him in the war. Super Jew, Alex Lee has everything you’d want from a centre half. Composed, authoritative and just really, really good. Future Oakwood captain (unless he signs for City)

EDDIE MANSON (full-back) - happy-go-lucky defender Eddie Manson has had his best season for years. He’s also had his first season for years. Maybe the two things are linked. Either way, now approaching 75 years of age, Eddie remains a true legend. Just don’t ask him if he enjoyed training

DALE BRADMAN (centre half) - Dale may look like a crisp packet about to blow away in the wind, but the boy can play. One of the stars of the season, Dale cemented his place in the side by escorting his manager home from a particularly boozy social

LEE WARNER (left-back) - oh I think that I found myself a Lee Warner/Nice left foot but he can’t take a corner. So goes the song. It’s been clinically proven Lee’s coiffure makes it aerodynamically impossible to deliver a good set-piece. But wow does it look good. You’d sacrifice set-pieces for hair like that any day of the week

ADAM LEVINE (centre half) - Levine hasn’t set foot on the pitch since September. Terribly unlucky with injuries but given the number of weddings he’s had he’d hardly have played anyway. Don’t mistake this for popularity – it’s his mrs with all the friends

DANIEL AILION (centre half) - one of my high points of the season was a delicious lunch with Ails overlooking the Thames of a Thursday. We should do that more often. Recently moved to the buxom of north-west London, we hope he signs a new contract with Oakwood next season

SIMON DAVIS (centre mid) - half the boys don’t know his name is Simon. In fact only Lee calls him Simon. To the rest of us he’s ‘Skip’. I always presumed the moniker was a nod to him being captain material. Having got to know him it’s more likely to derive from a debauched weekend in eastern Europe somewhere. Top player

DAN ROSE (centre mid) - unavailable today as he’s spending a month carrying his wife’s bags round India. Knows exactly what I think about him going on honeymoon in April. But also knows I love him and will miss watching him get angry today

JOSH ROSE (centre mid) - one of 23 midfielders at the club this has been Josh’s best season for Oakwood. He’s become integral to what we’re trying to achieve and is maturing on and off the pitch. I would like to shake the hand of the woman who has tamed Josh Rose

KYLE BENTWOOD (centre mid) - Kyle ‘don’t play me centre half’ Bentwood has been immense. It took me five years to sign him but he’s been worth the wait. A leader on and off the pitch we’re all gutted he misses out today with a broken collarbone. I’ve no doubt he’ll lead this side to glory over the next few years

BRAD WINE (winger) - in terrible shape and lacking in aggression, Brad needs to up the physical side of his game if he wants to make an impact on this team. Only in the side because his mum does a tremendous bagel spread

GUY HELMAN (winger) - the first few months of this season Guy Helman was on a different planet. It was the best I’ve seen him at Oakwood. A back injury has curtailed him since the new year but fighting fit today. Rumours Blanky only moved to Mill Hill to be nearer Helman are entirely with foundation

DAN SELWYN (not sure) - can play left, centrally or just not at all. Depends on how the mood takes him. Sel is a talented player who just loves playing. With a great touch, Sel always has a goal in him. One today would be most welcome

JONNY QUINN - Quinny has battled back from shoulder surgery this season and it’s testament to his desire that he’s featured at all. Tremendous hair AND facial hair, Quinny has also seen off Kinny in the battle of the ‘innys’. Next challenge is a few goals in the firsts before the end of the season

DAVE WOOLMAN (striker) - Wooly’s sports car may be very London Lions, but I assure you he is Oakwood through and through. This season he’s become one of the best strikers in the league – especially in big games. Has an incurable illness for football – it’s no coincidence he’s best mates with Kristall

SAM CANTOR (striker) - mercurial striker Sam had to be disciplined by management for constantly taking his top off at pre-season and making us look bad. Poor DC’s face. I felt for him. Sam is true quality but we need him to play more. If he does I’m certain we’re talking about the next player of the year

ALEX SCHOCK (co-manager) - unfortunately we had to let Schocky go halfway through the season. Constant fiddling with the club finances plus poor treatment of the captain’s sister made his position untenable. Confidentiality clauses prevent me from saying more. But trust me – it was justified

RIC BLANK (co-manager) - thoroughly excited to be back at Wingate for a chance to pick up some silverware. Promises to do his best to remain in the technical area but apologises in advance for any encroachment

DAN KRISTALL (co-manager) - insane Sheffield Wednesday addict, DK’s impact in his first season has been massive. Now hated in his hometown of Leeds thanks to a Morrison tie, DK is firmly entrenched in Oakwood. Plans for next season are already afoot

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