Simon Round

You want ratings? I've got 'em

November 24, 2016 22:50

Although I have never pitched a TV show before, I believe I have an idea that would win the ratings war for any channel that picks it up. Below is the proposal that I have sent to the BBC, ITV, Sky and Channel 4. I might even send it to Five.

Dear TV executives,

You may have noticed that Jews (and this happens approximately once in a millennium) are right on trend now. You have all been trying to make programmes about Jews - there have been documentaries like Strictly Kosher, reality shows like the Jewish Mum of the Year and sitcoms including Friday Night Dinner, Grandma's House and Hebburn. However, no one has yet combined all the disparate elements to make the uber-Jewish show that will knock X-Factor, Strictly and Downton off the top of the ratings.

My plan is for a kind of Strictly Kosher Friday Night Dinner Cooked by the Jewish Mum of the Year at Grandma's House. As I see it, this will be presented by a neurotic, self-deprecating (possibly gay?) Jewish comedian at a specially built, three-bed semi in Borehamwood where the housemates will all represent a different, but equally ridiculous stereotype.

There will be two infantile brothers who chase each other around, a dowdy religious woman, a sprinkling of Jewish princesses of varying ages, possibly a couple of Mancunians (I would suggest a ladies' dress-shop owner and a mother who finds it impossible stop talking). If you felt it would add to the fun, we could add a middle-aged man who is always stripped to the waist or a really hairy rabbi (in fact, I would suggest a vote to find the nation's hairiest rabbi).

I suggest a vote to find the nation’s hairiest rabbi

The premise is to set the Jews tasks to bring out their stereotypes in humorous fashion. Then we would open the phone lines for viewers the length and breadth of the country to vote the least laughable Jew out of the competition every week, possibly with a kvetch-off for the two most unpopular Jews.

Possible tasks could include over-feeding one's children; practising strange religious customs and using the most amusing Jewish words (kneidl, pipik or nu) in any one sentence. These items could be interspersed with minor celebrities telling Jewish jokes and footage of Chasidic people dancing.

For the theme music, having given the issue plenty of thought and done considerable research, I would strongly advise a klezmer track. This plants the idea in the mind of the viewer that what they are about to watch will be about slightly exotic, strange but amusing stereotypes. We would reprise the music before advert breaks when we would also run a phone-in competition along the usual lines. For example: What do Jews like to eat on Friday nights? A. pork chops. B. chicken soup. C. Bruce Forsyth.

By the show's climax we will be left with only the most obnoxious and grotesque Jews left to laugh at. I anticipate massive viewing figures and possible spin-offs including I'm a Jew, Get Me Out of Here, or Strictly: It Takes Jews.

As for the title? How about 'Enough Already'?

November 24, 2016 22:50

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