There was a terrible virus in the air already - it was called ‘selfie’

'When I become Supreme Leader, I am going to implement a few changes around here'

June 18, 2020 10:46

When I become Supreme Leader, I am going to implement a few changes around here and I wanted to let you have a bit of notice as my fellow Chosen People (or Semi-Chosen in my case, which frankly sounds a bit half-hearted of God, like he took one look at me and said, “Hmm, I’ll take the others, who are doing really well on the praying and the not eating bacon front, but this one — you can keep. Oh — she comes with? Like a free gift? OK, OK, I’ll take her so long as I don’t have to pay extra…”).

The timescale for my promotion is a little hazy. This is not just because of the background checks, which as you might imagine, are not inconsiderable for a position at that level, but also because, if I’m going to be in charge of the World, I’d prefer to inherit it when it’s in less of a mess, to be honest.

Obviously, it’s best to wait for the pandemic to be over. After that, it’s just the Yemen, Syria, eliminating racism, the plight of the Uighurs, the Rohingya Muslims, refugees stuck out at sea, FGM, forced marriage, lack of universal education, oh yes and poverty, starvation, and war.

As my training will largely take place in-post, I plan to cut my teeth on a number of key smaller issues first then work my way up to the big stuff.

Brexit: To be honest, what with battling the coronavirus, I’m just not sure we can handle the Sturm und Drang of extended trade talks with the EU. Do we really need the stress? Let’s pare it down to the basics and say, “Look, mes chers amis — we are the only way Italy is going to offload 125 million bottles of Prosecco a year (UK imports, 2018). Who else will buy all those Seville oranges to make marmalade? No-one else eats it aside from the Brits. Are you really falling over other buyers for your BMWs and Audis if we whack a tariff on them? Most of the other countries in the EU have been pushed to bankruptcy by the pandemic so can’t buy anything, whereas being in debt doesn’t seem to bother us.

“So here’s the deal, Michel: let’s say Canada-Plus, with free trade both ways. Stick a 5 per cent tariff on a couple of UK exports if necessary pour sauver la face, say whisky and the one million Marks & Spencer’s sandwiches the French munch their way through each year. Et enfin, Emmanuel, you are not having our fish. Those are British fish and they deserve the right to die at British hands and end up covered in batter and doused in vinegar not ponced up with a beurre blanc, OK?”

Jacob Rees-Mogg: We all know that JRM is really a time-traveller, brought forward from 1821 to learn about the future. I am hopeless with technology and I couldn’t name a single song in the Top 40, but even I look like I have my finger on the pulse of what’s going down (see how confidently I said that?) compared to him. I think it’s become clear that we’re going to have to send him back. Thanks, Jacob, for your tremendous contribution and all that, but it’s time to go home now.

Selfies: People taking selfies will be fined, with repeat offenders having their phones confiscated for a minimum of six months while they attend a re-education programme. There, they will come to understand that: 1) it is not necessary to take a selfie to see what you look like; you can simply check your reflection in a mirror. 2) Your friends — if you have any — almost certainly like you because of your personality and character, what you say and how you say it. It is unlikely they care all that much about your appearance so they won’t like you more just because you keep sending them pictures of yourself. In fact, after a while, there’s a good chance they might find it annoying. 3) Your friends really won’t have forgotten what you look like either — you don’t need to remind them on a daily basis. 4) Putting on special make-up, eg contouring blusher, just to take a picture of yourself is doubly weird. Life is short — be kind, do good, make a difference. Forget about what you look like.

Celery: this is not a proper food. It has to go.

I think that just about covers the basics. Once I’ve sorted out those things, then I can move on to war, famine and why you can’t hull strawberries any more but have to cut the tops off with a knife.

Twitter: @clairecalman

June 18, 2020 10:46

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