1. Which of the following is a current government slogan?
a) Stay home
b) Stay alert
c) Stay confused
d) All of the above
2. Symptoms of Covid-19 include:
a) Dry cough
b) Raised temperature
c) Loss of smell or taste
d) Desire to hide under the duvet and tell yourself it’s all just a bad dream
3. The virus has reached countries all over the world, but where/how did it originate?
a) At a ‘wet market’ in Wuhan
b) At the Wuhan Institute of Virology
c) It leaked from 5G phone masts
d) It was caused by politicians talking about things they don’t understand, releasing a cloud of toxicity and confusion
4. What is your preferred go-to source for reliable facts?
a) TV news
b) The NHS website
c) The BBC website
d) Donald Trump’s Twitter feed
5. When is it acceptable to visit a person or persons in another household?
a) When you are delivering essential food or medicine
b) When it’s your extra-marital lover
c) When they can provide free childcare
d) When it’s your hairdresser because colleagues no longer believe you when you say your video function isn’t working for Zoom meetings
6. Which of the following are you NOT allowed to visit?
a) Your villa in northern Italy
b) Your second home in the UK
c) Your parents-in-law’s ‘spare’ cottage in their garden
d) Hostile nations, e.g. Scotland
7. If you cannot work from home, you are now allowed to travel to your workplace. But how should you get there?
a) Walk or cycle
c) Hitchhike — while maintaining 2m distance
d) By clinging to the outside of a train or bus so as not to inhale airborne droplets
8. Which of the following may induce symptoms including nausea and a desire to throw things?
a) Donald Trump
b) Dominic Cummings
c) Michael Gove
d) All of the above
9. Under which circumstances can you disregard regulations regarding essential travel?
a) If you are a frontline NHS worker
b) If you have to deliver supplies to someone who has to self-isolate
c) If you are a politician
d) If you think it’s really unlikely you’ll be found out
10. Which treatment is most effective at combatting coronavirus?
a) Remdesivir, a breakthrough drug
b) Hydroxychloroquine, because Donald Trump says so and he’s, like, all over the facts and all
c) Ingesting or injecting disinfectant
11. Which activities are you allowed to engage in while outdoors?
a) Hatha yoga, because you’ve bought a new skin-tight outfit and your glutes are looking buff
b) Golf, tennis and other ‘posh’ sports but not football because it’s one rule for the elite and another for everyone else
c) Tutting at people not maintaining 2m distance
d) Almost sitting on a complete stranger’s lap on the beach because it’s hot and we have time off and those two things never ever occur at the same time
12. Synagogues are likely to remain closed for the foreseeable future — so how should one get one’s shul-fix?
a) Pray at home or use the time to study the week’s Torah portion in greater depth
b) Ask a family member to pray out loud while you talk over them about something unrelated, eg property prices, your bowels, Mrs Fegenbaum’s terrible hat
c) Drive to a road two streets from your synagogue, then walk the rest of the way while casting around nervously in case you’re spotted
d) Cover the kitchen table with a selection of fish balls, mini-Danishes etc, then elbow spouse/children out of the way to get to the food first as you suffer from low blood sugar?
There are no answers. If we had the answers, we wouldn’t be in this mess.