There's never a dull moment where Athletic Bilbaum are concerned. Joint-player-manager Mark Pasha tells Danny Caro why.

Competitions entered: FA Cup, Copa America, Ryder Cup and Takeshi's Castle

Hopes for the season: Inspire a generation. We hope our application for government funding will be fruitful and the way of the Baum can be spread up and down our nation's shores.

Main challengers: The best ones

Is your squad complete or are you still looking to strengthen? As the season approaches our squad is as strong as the odour of a four-month-old gefilte fish ball

Captain: Edward Green

Ones to watch: Chaim Moshie Goldbaumblattberg. Why? Because he's bloody awesome

Home ground: This year will see the Baums play their home games at the Nou Bernebaum. The move has been met with fierce resistance from pockets of die hard dog walking fans, but after lengthy talks and a handful of Pedigree Chum gift hampers later the air has been settled and the team now look forward to putting the top secret Jane Fondabaum pre-season training programme into action at their new and improved home