Life & Culture

My fly-on-the-wall Trump recording

Peter Rosengard's awake in the small hours, thinking about Donald Trump


WASHINGTON, DC - JANUARY 12: U.S. President Donald Trump speaks to reporters on the South Lawn of the White House before boarding Marine One on January 12, 2021 in Washington, DC. Following last week's deadly pro-Trump riot on Capitol Hill, President Trump is making his first public appearance with a trip to the town of Alamo, Texas to view the partial construction of the wall along the U.S.-Mexico border. (Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images)


Trump says the storming of the Capitol had nothing to do with him. It happened just by pure chance happened minutes after he told the mob to go to the Capitol. "We're going to walk down to the Captiol…” he told them. As always  true to his word he went… back home to the White House. He'd lit the match and now he wanted to just sit back and watch the fire. "Nothing to do with me, I was in the Oval Office watching it on TV, officer.  As a matter of fact I was eating a ham sandwich.”  

3.55 am Thursday  

I receive this recording from one of my sources in the White House 

“Where’s my button?”  (Trump ) 

“What button is that sir?”  (The butler) "I checked your shirt as always before you woke Mr President and there are no buttons missing  and I personally counted your fly buttons … still  the usual two Mr President."

“The goddamn nuclear button button! That little round red thing with ‘NUKE ‘EM!’ written on it in capitals! I wrote it myself  in big letters in black marker pen as soon as I first got here. It’s always here!”

“It was here yesterday, Mr President.” 

“Well find it,  I’ve only got seven days left to nuke Iran! If I really can’t be president  does that mean I can’t use Air Force One? Or that really cool helicopter?”

“I can’t answer to that Mr President,  I just do breakfasts.”

 “THIS   WAS A FAKE FRAUD election! They stole it! They STOLE IT! Everyone knows that I'm going to go out with a  BANG! Haha! A VERY big bang! Haha! Tell me, do you you think I can do North  Korea at the same time too? You know nuke the two of them with the one button?  A two for one offer!”

“I really don’t know Mr President, I am just the breakfast butler.” 

 “Where the hell is that button?”

“Maybe it dropped behind the back of the sofa in the Oval Office, Mr President. I’ll go and take a look. We had a new cleaner yesterday Mr President, maybe he put it somewhere.”

“Well find it! I want it and I want it NOW! I’m still the President you know!”

‘By the way Mr President, just one thing Mr President.  The First Lady, she resigned yesterday just after the Director of Homeland Security. She asked me to tell you. She’s on a plane to Paris.”

I wake up and go to the bathroom.

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