Simon Round

If Trump live tweets Jared and Ivanka’s Seder …

Donald Trump's sure to get an invitation to his daughter's Seder night. Simon Round imagines the president's tweets.

April 07, 2017 11:23

 Invited to Ivanka and Jared’s for Seder dinner. I’m all set to go. #happypassover


The failed New York Times says Passover starts today. FAKE NEWS #sad


 Just called Jared. It seems it actually is Passover today. #let'smakepassovergreat


Very excited and honored to be leading the Seder service tonight. It’s going to be a TERRIFIC evening, the BEST SEDER ever!


 Jared says I’m not quite Jewish enough to lead the service. He'll do a FANTASTIC job!


 Jews celebrate freedom from slavery. We all celebrate freedom from Obama!


 So the Egyptians made the Israelites build massive pyramids. AND the Jews had to pay for them. Smart work, pharoah!


Seems pharoah is bad guy. Horrible. Never liked him.


Service underway. It seems quite complicated and long. Someone pour me a large Scotch.


 You can’t even have ONE GLASS OF SINGLE MALT?!? #sad


 Jared serving Bread of Affliction. It's gonna be delicious.


We're eating some kind of big cracker with no flavor! #fakebread #passthejelly


 Big immigrant population don’t wanna work hard to make Egypt great again #sad


OK BIG NEWS. Serious pressure on Egypt to let the people go.


 Pharoah dithering. Cut a deal! Losing patience with Egypt here


 Moses using alternative facts to play with the heads of the Egyptians. THERE ARE TEN PLAGUES


 Lucky Egyptians weren’t on Obamacare — they’d be sick and poor (if first born, dead and poor) #fail


I’m warming to this idea bigly. WATCH OUT KIM JONG UN #tenplaguesforKorea #boils #frogs #riversofblood


 Israelites migrating. Fortunately for them they are not headed for #USA. They still have to get over the Red Sea #badidea


 OK so the Red Sea has parted. LET’S BUILD THAT WALL FOLKS


Egyptian military total fail #drowned. Big lesson for NATO here


 We’re singing a song called Dayenu. It means we’ve had enough. Just like the American people have had enough of FAKE NEWS


Correction, it means ‘it would have been enough’. So had POTUS just got rid of evil Hillary, it would have been enough #dayenu


Had POTUS saved America from Muslims carrying bombs, it would have been enough #dayenu


 Had POTUS simply built the wall, it would have been enough #dayenu


Gonna have a word with Sean Spicer. #dayenu is going to be our next press conference


 Everyone is saying “Next Year in Jerusalem”. Let’s get that embassy built there.


 Next year in Scotland! Terrific country. The Scottish people love me so much #Let’sPlayGolf. #singlemalt


 Prayer books have been put away. Four glasses of wine drunk. Now the feast. Happy Passover to all my Jewish friends — even the Democrats


 Is Hillary Jewish? #alternativefacts


 They just brought an egg. And they poured salty water all over it. Someone get me a Chinese takeout — and let’s make the Chinese pay for it


 OK there’s a crisis developing. Afi Koman has gone missing. Let’s get together and start searching for him.


 I seem to remember that Afi was Israel’s Deputy Foreign Minister. Terrific guy. I hope his family are doing well and staying strong


 FAKE NEWS! Turns out Afi wasn’t the foreign minister, but a piece of matzah they hid. I led the search . Made sure Ivanka found it


 Everyone says we need to let in a guy called Elijah in. Has Elijah got a #greencard? Is he #muslim???


  They are putting wine in a glass for this guy. AND THEY ARE LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN #verysad


 We owe a debt to all of our immigrants but this is not the way we do business here anymore. No one gets a free pass. LET’S PUT AMERICA 1st!


 OK, Elijah is a dead prophet who comes back for a glass of wine. Who can blame him?


  Winding up. Great evening. Songs about goats #strange


  Looking forward to corned beef on rye at Trump Tower #signaturedish — hold the elevator!



April 07, 2017 11:23

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