It was seeing a rerun of a Seinfeld episode that got me thinking. Seinfeld, for the uninitiated, is a sitcom about a group of New York yuppies. All but one of the stars of the show were Jewish, which almost (but not quite) brings me to the point. In the episode which got me thinking, the series' only woman, the delectable Julia Louis- Dreyfus gets on a plane just as it is about to take off. She is seated by the stewardess who instantly greets her with an apology. "I'm afraid," she says, ''the only meal we can offer you is a kosher dinner."
It was, in more ways than one, an in-joke. It was also the funniest Seinfeld moment I can remember. Not because of the conversational humour but because of the situation in this situation comedy. You see, if there is one thing to rival Seinfeld in having only a select few who could hardly do without it, there is another much, much smaller, select few who cannot get on an aircraft without knowing that awaiting them is a well-wrapped meal of soggy meat and rice with the stamp of the Kashrus Commission . And I do mean well wrapped.
What made this moment so funny was the fact that one thing that would never happen was an airplane galley with a surplus of kosher meals. I've earned more air miles from my complaints about not getting my kosher meal than about anything else. Come to think of it, though, not actually getting the kosher meal could be regarded as a bonus.
The great joy when you do get that meal is not for the diner but for the other passengers. They are provided with a live show as good as anything on the small screen. Don't you always sneak a glance at the food eaten by the passenger sitting next to you? The kosher eater's neighbour is in for a treat. The trouble is he has to keep his laughs to himself.
The kosher meal usually comes before everyone else gets the regular food service. Which you might think was a nice, kind gesture. But I've discovered there's usually a pragmatic reason behind it. All the other meals come on an open tray, ready for the eating. Not so for the kosher diner.
The authorities responsible for protecting our digestive systems from food deemed to be contaminated with banned substances, insist that the passenger is handed a package that is laughingly called sealed. Opening the layers of plastic covering the meal would give a headache to any decent safe-cracker. Of course, all you have to do is pierce the wrapping with a knife. And that's a problem. The knife is inside the wrapper, too.
When you do finally gain access, it's not exactly joy that's awaiting. After all, wasn't it an El Al steward who asked a passenger if he wanted dinner. "What's the choice?" the passenger asked. "Yes or no".
A very Israeli reply introducing the best of the kosher airline foods. As a starter, you get a seemingly near noxious assortment of beans. At one time, you'd be offered smoked salmon. Now, occasionally, tuna. More often, beans. Beans that are often too hot to touch, let alone munch. And so sometimes is the orange juice. That is if it isn't still frozen. It's all because the kashrut authorities insist on the all-inclusive meal box being heated at one temperature - sometimes including the fruit salad. Not, I have to admit, from Hermolis -apart from El Al, probably the best supplier of kosher delicacies as you fly out of London. They serve the main dish separately. Which sometimes is quite tasty - once, that is, you have broken through the plastic. The worst offenders are the American suppliers, including one that calls itself: "The gourmet restaurant in the sky". Possibly, if you feel like a nosh while doing a parachute jump. But sitting in economy, not quite.
And then there's the rice. Ever try eating rice on a plane? Filling a plastic teaspoon while your elbows are trying not to encroach too much on your neighbour's air space? One meal delightfully called a "chicken surprise" was just that. The surprise came from actually finding a piece of chicken among all the other ingredients. Mind you, there was the time I did find a piece of aged chicken, just one, which I measured alongside my thumb. The thumb won. It was still bigger than the piece of chicken.
There is one bright spot. Apart from a trip on Emirates - yes, Emirates - where the meal is not just supervised but actually cooked by the Chabad rabbi from Thailand, the best kosher airline food ever was on Qantas out of Australia. The main dish was a giant hot dog roll encasing the best salt beef I have had, on land, sea or air. It was almost worth the fare - once I had opened all the packages that is.
