Jump to Main ContentJump to Primary Navigation

If Trump live tweets Jared and Ivanka’s Seder …

Donald Trump's sure to get an invitation to his daughter's Seder night. Simon Round imagines the president's tweets.

    Trump at the seder: #eatcementlosers
    Trump at the seder: #eatcementlosers PHOTO: GettyImages

     Invited to Ivanka and Jared’s for Seder dinner. I’m all set to go. #happypassover

     

    The failed New York Times says Passover starts today. FAKE NEWS #sad

     

     Just called Jared. It seems it actually is Passover today. #let'smakepassovergreat

     

    Very excited and honored to be leading the Seder service tonight. It’s going to be a TERRIFIC evening, the BEST SEDER ever!

     

     Jared says I’m not quite Jewish enough to lead the service. He'll do a FANTASTIC job!

     

     Jews celebrate freedom from slavery. We all celebrate freedom from Obama!

     

     So the Egyptians made the Israelites build massive pyramids. AND the Jews had to pay for them. Smart work, pharoah!

     

    Seems pharoah is bad guy. Horrible. Never liked him.

     

    Service underway. It seems quite complicated and long. Someone pour me a large Scotch.

     

     You can’t even have ONE GLASS OF SINGLE MALT?!? #sad

     

     Jared serving Bread of Affliction. It's gonna be delicious.

     

    We're eating some kind of big cracker with no flavor! #fakebread #passthejelly

     

     Big immigrant population don’t wanna work hard to make Egypt great again #sad

     

    OK BIG NEWS. Serious pressure on Egypt to let the people go.

     

     Pharoah dithering. Cut a deal! Losing patience with Egypt here

     

     Moses using alternative facts to play with the heads of the Egyptians. THERE ARE TEN PLAGUES

     

     Lucky Egyptians weren’t on Obamacare — they’d be sick and poor (if first born, dead and poor) #fail

     

    I’m warming to this idea bigly. WATCH OUT KIM JONG UN #tenplaguesforKorea #boils #frogs #riversofblood

     

     Israelites migrating. Fortunately for them they are not headed for #USA. They still have to get over the Red Sea #badidea

     

     OK so the Red Sea has parted. LET’S BUILD THAT WALL FOLKS

     

    Egyptian military total fail #drowned. Big lesson for NATO here

     

     We’re singing a song called Dayenu. It means we’ve had enough. Just like the American people have had enough of FAKE NEWS

     

    Correction, it means ‘it would have been enough’. So had POTUS just got rid of evil Hillary, it would have been enough #dayenu

     

    Had POTUS saved America from Muslims carrying bombs, it would have been enough #dayenu

     

     Had POTUS simply built the wall, it would have been enough #dayenu

     

    Gonna have a word with Sean Spicer. #dayenu is going to be our next press conference

     

     Everyone is saying “Next Year in Jerusalem”. Let’s get that embassy built there.

     

     Next year in Scotland! Terrific country. The Scottish people love me so much #Let’sPlayGolf. #singlemalt

     

     Prayer books have been put away. Four glasses of wine drunk. Now the feast. Happy Passover to all my Jewish friends — even the Democrats

     

     Is Hillary Jewish? #alternativefacts

     

     They just brought an egg. And they poured salty water all over it. Someone get me a Chinese takeout — and let’s make the Chinese pay for it

     

     OK there’s a crisis developing. Afi Koman has gone missing. Let’s get together and start searching for him.

     

     I seem to remember that Afi was Israel’s Deputy Foreign Minister. Terrific guy. I hope his family are doing well and staying strong

     

     FAKE NEWS! Turns out Afi wasn’t the foreign minister, but a piece of matzah they hid. I led the search . Made sure Ivanka found it

     

     Everyone says we need to let in a guy called Elijah in. Has Elijah got a #greencard? Is he #muslim???

     

      They are putting wine in a glass for this guy. AND THEY ARE LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN #verysad

     

     We owe a debt to all of our immigrants but this is not the way we do business here anymore. No one gets a free pass. LET’S PUT AMERICA 1st!

     

     OK, Elijah is a dead prophet who comes back for a glass of wine. Who can blame him?

     

      Winding up. Great evening. Songs about goats #strange

     

      Looking forward to corned beef on rye at Trump Tower #signaturedish — hold the elevator!

     

     

Family

Proud to be a typical Jewish dad

Simon Round

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Proud to be a typical Jewish dad
The Jewish Chronicle

I was lost in the Amazon jungle

Simon Round

Friday, July 18, 2008

I was lost in the Amazon jungle
Features

Interview: Kay Mellor

Simon Round

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Interview: Kay Mellor
The Diary

Lamarr’s ‘sex with Hitler’

Simon Round

Friday, August 29, 2008

Lamarr’s ‘sex with Hitler’