In the general noise of vote counting, the most thrilling result of the US election has passed virtually unnoticed. I’m so excited I can barely get the words down without a Biden speech blip. Surely, though, this has to be the biggest headline: White House has a Jewish mother-in-law. Who knew?
Not a who’s-she mechutan like Trump’s son-in-law’s mother, but the genuine article. Meet Barbara Emhoff from Brooklyn, mother of Doug, the Jewish lawyer who’s married to Kamala Harris, the new vice-president. You want to know how to pronounce “Kamala”? Well, Doug’s kids call her Mamale.
As for Barbara, known as Barb, she’s kvelling. How do I know? There’s a video doing the rounds of Kamala talking about the day she met the in-laws. Wish hard and it might make the JC website.
So, barring a legal Trump card, Barb is soon going to be using the washroom vacated by Karen Pence and Doug will be known as the Second Gentleman, the first of his kind in US history. All over America rabbis will be telling barmitzvah boys, “when you grow up you, too can be a second mensch”.
What else have we got on Barb? Nothing that her house cleaners have left online. However, it so happens that one of my less trusted sources sent me a file detailing a recent morning’s emails between Kamala and her Mamale-in-law and, while I can’t swear on its veracity, I couldn’t possibly keep it to myself. Not untypically, we’ve only got Barb’s side of the story. Here goes:
06:52 Has he washed his hands?
06:54 Whaddaya mean what am I asking? I told you to keep a jug of water under the bed, like I showed you in that Jerusalem hotel. You looked kinda blank and I get that, but now in the Coyvid pandemic it’s important my Doug washes his hands all the time. Especially, you know when.
06:57 I’m not prying, just concerned. Have a good day, bubbaleh.
07:01 He likes his eggs three minutes.
07:02 I keep thinking, Kamala, you gotta be Jewish. I mean Kamala, Chanele, right? Maybe, not if you’re Sephardi. You sure you’re not Sephardi? They asked me at bridge club.
07:04 Harris is definitely a Jewish name. Every second tailor’s called Harris. Also the English tweed. Kamala Harris. Double Jewish.
07:59 The tie. Don’t let him wear plain blue like Joe. So boring. And Joe doesn’t look good in that tie, or very well. Has he seen a doctor lately? I got the best man on Madison Avenue, just ask.
08:01 No need to ask. Dr Fogel, 822 Madison. Geriatrics. Maybe he can do something for Joe’s walk.
08:32 Listen, Kamala, I know you’re off on the trail or whatever, but I just had the most brilliant idea for a campaign slogan. You wanna hear?
08:37 Why do you never reply to my messages? Listen, you know all the Hasidim in Williamsburg are voting Trump because he promised them peace with Qatar and a condo in Florida. So we gotta beat that, be more frum-friendly, get our goy to reach out to the shtraimels. You want my slogan?
08:42 I’ll tell you anyway. Yiden for Biden. Brilliant, right?
08:49 Whaddaya mean it’s pronounced Beiden? First the poor fella can’t tell his wife from his sister. Now he can’t spell his own name right?
08:56 So he’s Irish, I’m not prejudiced. He just needs to mumble his name, like he did when he called the president ‘George’. Yiden for Biden. It’s a winner. I got it on a t-shirt your size.
09.36 What color shall we do the West Wing? My decorator just gave me a price.
10:37 Who does your hair? Promise I won’t tell anyone.
11:17 Kamala, sweetie, have I told you how proud I am that my Dougie married a contender? I coulda bin a contender myself but I met your father-in-law, Mike, and one thing led to another – not before we married, of course, you didn’t in those days – and next thing I knew I was over at the plastic surgeon getting my second uplift. You had an uplift? We should talk.
12:31 The Rabbi called. Wants to know where you stand on Israel. I told him you were solid as the rock of ages and lit candles at my place. Also that you’re fine to speak at the Herzliya animal sanctuary dinner.
12.34 Well, what could I say? He’s the rabbi. Some day he’s gonna bury me and then you’ll be sorry.
12:35 OK, I cancelled the rabbi. I love you, West Wing.
12:39 He’s wearing the striped tie I gave him last Chanukah, right?
12:46 And washed his hands before lunch?
The film of Norman Lebrecht’s novel, ‘The Song of Names’, is out now on Netflix
