As will be the case for many Jewish families in the diaspora, this time of year is our favourite. It is a time when the five of us sit together in matching Chanukah pyjamas, light the candles, sing Maoz Tzur, spin dreidels and eat doughnuts. So it is a sad conundrum to be facing: how do I burst that bubble of joy for my children aged four, eight and ten, and explain to them the horrific events of Sunday on Sydney’s Bondi Beach?
That the youngest victim of those horrific shootings, Matilda, was 10 years old – the same age as my daughter – makes the horror still harder to process.
I learnt the perils of avoidance in October. Following the Yom Kippur Manchester synagogue attack, my children returned from their Jewish primary school with questions and varying levels of detail from their friends, much of which I’d have preferred to shield them from at their young ages.
It is better, therefore, to pre-empt what your children might hear from others by giving them the information first yourself, clinical psychologist and author Emma Svanberg says. That information should be brief and factual, regardless of their age, advises Svanberg, who also recommends being open to their curiosity.
“You might say something like, ‘A group of people were shot at, at a Chanukah celebration in Australia. The police have arrested someone. People are sad, and lots of people also helped to keep others safe’,” she says. If they respond with questions, you can answer neutrally, and with facts.
Family therapist Alma Reisel says there is no single rule that will be right for every family and that parents should decide what is best for them. “Parents and carers know their own children the best – listen to your own knowledge of your child when you're deciding how to have these conversations.”
However, she also encourages responding to your child’s question with the truth: “That doesn't mean you have to tell them everything. You answer the question you've been asked with the information that answers that question. If they say, ‘Were people killed?’ you can say, ‘Yes, some people were killed’, and leave it there. You don't need to add all the detail while being truthful.”
Although how much, and when, you tell your children can be “family-specific”, one hard-and-fast rule is to be fully attentive to your child when they're asking you difficult questions.
If you plan on going to any community events, Svanberg suggests letting your child know in advance they might see more security and there might be more checks: “You can add that is to make sure we are safe. It’s really important that we don’t pass our adult fears on to our children, as valid as they are, and it is crucial that children are shielded from adult conversation about these events,” she says.
To reassure our children, we can highlight the importance of the community coming together. Svanberg spoke to her own children about the bravery of Ahmed al Ahmed, the Australian shopkeeper who wrestled a gun from one of the two attackers despite being unarmed himself. Reisel agrees it would be beneficial to focus on the people who helped on Sunday: “You can concentrate on what the paramedics, doctors and police were doing, and that we have the CST here, who work hard to keep us safe.”
She also advises stressing that this is a rare event, which is why people are talking about it. “Children might understandably start to worry, ‘Is this about to happen to me?’ You can also say, ‘It's really important to keep celebrating, and that's why I'm going to keep doing it.’”
While marking the festival, Svanberg suggests discussing with your children the meaning of Chanukah and the concept of lighting up the darkness. Adding a prayer for the victims and the community to your candle-lighting rituals can be healing and help your child process what has happened.
Rabbi Dr Jonathan Romain, convenor of Progressive Judaism’s Beit Din and a longtime contributor to the JC’s “Rabbi, I have a problem” column, proposes telling your children that while each of the eight candles we light on Chanukah stands for one of the eight nights, this year we could give extra meaning to the shamash (servant) candle: “After we've lit it and before we use it, have a pause and think of those who are not happy at this moment and who are having a hard time, and let them speak of anything or anyone they know, which might range from Bondi Beach to someone at school ... and then go on to light the candles as usual,” he suggests.
Romain also suggests parents incorporate current events into our telling of the Chanukah story this year, reminding them that, after all, Jews know that life can be full of both good and horrible events – and we have to deal with them all.
“At Chanukah, we remember when the Greeks tried to stop Jews being Jewish and how they attacked the Jews, but we also remember that the Jews fought back and succeeded ... The same is true of today,” Romain notes.
“Jews have been attacked in Australia, but the Maccabees remind us not to give in but to keep the flame of Judaism burning brightly. We are still here, singing our songs, eating our latkes, lighting our Chanukiah, feeling the warmth of the community around us and enjoying being Jewish.”
He adds that we can remind our children that “we feel sad, but we know we have the same strength the Maccabees had and, like them, we will win through.”
Rabbi Mark Goldsmith, senior rabbi at Edgware and Hendon Reform Synagogue, suggested, that this year we could add to the blessing al ha nissim, thanking God for the miracles of resilience that have ensured Jewish survival. “A prayer that we should be granted the strength to continue to build our communities, through our own efforts and with the support of non-Jewish communities around us,” he says.
Rabbi Goldsmith added: “Chanukah means to me building the resilience to stay actively Jewish whenever you might be tempted to assimilate into the society around you. The terrorist attack on the Jewish community at Bondi can only be challenged by our determination to continue our joyous community life. We are heartbroken for the families who have lost loved ones as they were doing exactly that.”
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