1 Meet the Fockers

It is never going to be easy meeting “the other side” for the first time and then immediately having to discuss money, so grit your teeth and keep a smile on your face. The who-pays-for-what system is much more flexible today, with many young couples contributing to the wedding costs. Traditionally, the bride’s side pays for the venue and catering, while the groom’s family pays for the ceremony fees and cars, but the flowers, music and photographer all have to be sorted too. Maintain a sense of humour — it really helps.

2 Budget for the unexpected 

Finding your wedding dress is one of the most exciting tasks in the months leading up to the big day, but  on top of the price of the dress you need to factor in £200 to £300 for alterations. Allow plenty of time — at least six months — as the dress will have to be ordered in your size. If your time is short, bridal shops often have samples you can purchase off the rail and wedding exhibitions may also have bargains that can be snapped up on the day, but you will have to buy the dress as seen.

3 Choose the venue wisely

Synagogue or hotel for the chupah? If you have close family connections with a synagogue, or it is particularly lovely (think Bevis Marks, for instance), you will probably want to hold the ceremony there. But for the celebrations afterwards, the average shul hall cannot cope with the large numbers involved in a typical Jewish wedding, especially if there needs to be room for dancing. Having the ceremony in a hotel makes practical sense, as guests move seamlessly from the chupah to the reception and dinner without having to get into their cars and schlep off to find a parking space again. For elderly relatives, a single venue is much easier.

4 Avoid opinion overload

It is easy to overdose on advice in the run-up to the wedding. Forget what you see on those reality TV bridal shows — never bring more than one or two people with you to pick the gown. The more opinions, the more disastrous the appointment is likely to be.

5 Hit the right notes

When choosing the music, think budget and audience. A disco will be considerably cheaper than a band, but nothing beats the sound of live music. Will you have mixed dancing or will there be a mechitzah? Will there be lots of older relatives or will the room be filled with friends of the bride and groom? Great Aunt Golda will not appreciate having her eardrums blasted all night long, so seat her and her peers far from the amplifiers.

6 Share the joy

You may not be able to honour all the friends or relatives you would like by asking them to give a toast. Avoid a broiges by dishing out the sheva brachot after dinner among various guests. (You may still end up offending someone, but that’s the nature of making a wedding — there will always be people who complain. Don’t feel guilty about it.)

7 Beware runaway hens

Hen and stag  parties have become almost as big as the day itself, causing unnecessary anxiety among friends who may not be able to afford a lavish pre-wedding weekend away.  Even if you are not involved in the party organisation, a discreet suggestion to keep down its scale — and thereby its cost —  will be much appreciated by all those invited.

8 Photo shop

Look around for a good photographer who has experience of Jewish weddings and knows exactly which moments should be captured, such as the bedecken and breaking the glass. You may prefer the relaxed in-the-moment images, but do not disregard the more traditional line-ups. In years to come, when nearest and dearest are no longer around, these formal photos will be the ones you display in your home.

9 Make a menu to remember

People will always remember the food, so go for the best caterer you can afford. Make sure the waiters are instructed to reach all areas of the reception hall — guests are notorious for gathering around the exit from the kitchen, so they can nab the nibbles the moment they appear. You do not have to have a wedding cake (strictly orthodox couples do not follow this tradition), but a quirky alternative is a croquembouche (a tower made up of choux pastry balls) or even a doughnut wall or cupcake table. For more inspiration, see our feature on page 66.

10 Make a plan to forget

Do not stress if something goes wrong on the day. Your family and friends are there to enjoy themselves and, as long as everyone is having a good time, it will not matter if the gerberas are the wrong shade (only you will realise) or the ice sculptures are melting too quickly. It’s a simchah… be happy.