AYou’re far from alone. The cost of housing, student debts and high graduate unemployment have conspired to create an epidemic of young adults forced to return to the nest. This relatively new phenomenon isn’t ideal for either parent or grown-up child, and can be very difficult territory to negotiate.
But your son has a good job, and it doesn’t sound like he has any plans to move out. Why would he? He’s living the life of Riley: doing what he likes for free with lots of pocket money. In short, he’s behaving like a child and you’re allowing him to act like one.
What you need to do is to set boundaries — something you probably should have done many years ago. It’s your house and therefore he should live by your rules. It is absolutely not OK that he buys non-kosher ready meals and keeps them in your kosher fridge. It’s also not OK that he’s earning a good living but not paying his way.
If he is a sensitive snowflake I’m afraid it’s because you’ve allowed him to become one. Criticism is a part of life and he needs to learn this quickly, or — as you fear— he’ll never be independent. Nobody likes confrontation but by avoiding it you are making yourself unhappy and resentful, and you aren’t helping him.
So call a family meeting. Sit him down and gently ask him what his plans are. Is he saving for a deposit? What can he reasonably be expected to contribute? Make it clear what’s acceptable. Tell him you love him and are happy for him to be there but only if he plays by your rules, and isn’t intending the current arrangement to last forever. Start treating him like an adult.
For more support, contact Family Lives (www.familylives.org.uk) on 0808 800 2222.
Q I’m newly divorced and friends are telling me to start dating again. I’m worried though, about the physical aspect of a new relationship. My husband was my first sexual partner, and we didn’t have a very exciting love life — that’s partly why we got divorced. Now I’m keen to find out what I’ve been missing, but scared that I don’t have the knowledge or experience that men will expect me to have at my age — 42. Help!
AIt’s natural that you’re feeling nervous and that you lack confidence in your bedroom skills but, when it comes to sex, quality really is more important than quantity. Having 100 lovers doesn’t necessarily make you better in bed than having just one or two. In general, people tend to have their individual sexual styles and their preferences, and they don’t change. What makes all the difference is who you’re having sex with, how you feel about each other, and whether you’re able to communicate.
Your experience of unsatisfactory “vanilla” sex with your ex husband won’t stop you from having a fulfilling sex life with a new partner. The very fact you’re dying to know what you’ve been missing suggests you’re open minded and have an imagination, so you’re halfway there already. You already know your own body, your likes and dislikes, what turns you on. Communicating these is what makes good sex. No decent, grown-up man will care about the fact you haven’t played the field; in fact, although it’s not PC to admit, some men will probably be very pleased.
When you do meet someone you like, take things slowly. Get to know them before you jump into bed so you feel comfortable and secure. You’ll almost certainly find that things happen naturally. Sex in a new relationship is usually exciting and passionate and frequent — all the things your married sex life wasn’t. If you need reassurance, why not talk to some of your close girlfriends about sex. And a gentle word of warning: the biggest growth in sexually transmitted infections is in middle-aged divorcees who are back on the market. So please be prepared and make sure you use condoms.
Email Hilary: agony@thejc.com or write to her at The Jewish Chronicle,
28 St Albans Lane, London, NW11 7QE
United Kingdom