'Tears of joy and pain, split seconds that make or break careers, the battle of the wives and girlfriends, the Ryder Cup has it all,' wrote The Times recently. It most certainly does, and more is the pity.
The tears, the joy, the pain, the making and breaking, we can handle. It is the extended family that is the problem. Frankly, if the event began with the ceremonial departure of all spouses, life partners and bits of stuff in a charabanc to the nearest airport, what a wonderful day that would be. Better still, drive them to a station in their matching outfits and have the players wave them off at the platform. That way we could be absolutely certain they had gone. Particularly 'The Captainess'.
You don't know The Captainess? Oh, you will. It is the name the American media have given to Lisa Pavin, wife of skipper Corey, the uber-WAG, whose profile is becoming almost as high as that of her husband. "I want to win the Ryder Cup more than anything," she says. "When it is over I want the PGA of America to remember the positive ideas and inputs and, hopefully, they will have something to remember me by. I want the Ryder Cup to keep getting better and better. I want to see the brand grow."
There is more, but it makes the migraines start, so just be warned that The Captainess's contribution so far has included designing the team outfits, organising gala events, picking out the team gifts, selecting daily dining menus and choosing the team room and clubhouse décor. One might say she is hands-on. And these are just the self-proclaimed duties, activities some might deem helpful. Starting a juvenile row with a leading golf correspondent at Sports Illustrated – she goes under the name of The Captainess on Twitter, too – and sending 2am emails to team members are the extension of it. Can you imagine what a pumped-up pain in the neck she is going to be when the time comes for somebody to actually hit a golf ball? As if the atmosphere around the event is not hysterical enough already.
The social element of Ryder Cup competition meant wives and girlfriends were part of the event long before England's footballers made their very name a dirty word. Sadly, the trivial obsessions of modern media have seen the role evolve until these days even The Thunderer is giving the sideshow equal billing to the main event. In recent weeks, there has been a serious debate over how the WAGs of the American team will react to Tiger Woods, one of the greatest golfers of any era. Would there be an atmosphere of disapproval, who will sit next to him at dinner, will he attend functions alone? Who cares as long as he can find the fairway?
It is good to be supportive but at the Ryder Cup the boundaries are becoming blurred. Carry on like this and, in time, wild cards will be chosen with the spouse in mind. "Well, Hank here hasn't made a cut in three years, but Michelle? What a trouper. No way could I leave her out after her performance at the back of the 17th green two years ago. And when she showed me her plans for the formalwear and those lunch menus, it really was a no-brainer."