How can the Beckhams defuse the Brooklyn broiges?

Next time I will be able to come back with “at least I didn’t dance inappropriately at your wedding” as Victoria is alleged to have done at Brooklyn’s. Not that mine have had weddings yet. If only the Peltz in-laws had banned mixed dancing and stuck Victoria behind a mechitzah, eh?

The second, and bigger lesson, is that putting expectations on a child can backfire spectacularly, especially if combined with extreme privilege. Some children will appreciate your guidance and generosity, and follow dutifully in the golden path set out for them. Others will see this as a grotesque attempt to control them, they will flail and sulk, angrily insist on their independence, and flounce off into the sunset, often with a glamorous spouse, who is from a slightly different background to the one the parents might have chosen. They may write books detailing every one of their childhood grievances. It all depends how famous you are, and how inadequate they felt as you vigorously helicoptered and bulldozed your parenting, thinking you were being helpful and nice.

We all know Jewish families who have had to navigate this kind of thing with their indulged darlings, and most seem to do it with grace and dignity intact. It helps, of course, if you aren’t courting publicity for your every move. But clearly the lesson here is to hold back on both indulgence and expectations, live frugally, give all your excess cash to charity rather than the kids, and explain to them that your only hope for them is that they will live honest and decent lives. Good luck with this.

What should the Beckhams do now to defuse the Brooklyn broiges? Well, deleting all social media would be a good move for all of them. Learn what life is like when you aren’t playing to a gallery. Think about how other people feel – how you might have let down loved ones – and apologise all round. Brooklyn and Nicola seem to care deeply about stray dogs in Los Angeles, so a donation to their charity might be a good idea. Victoria and David could even adopt a few Californian mutts.

Nicola Peltz has a tattoo which reads ‘mispochah first’. Mispochah of course means extended family – including awkward in-laws. Read the tattoo, kids! Marriage involves adapting and changing for everyone involved. The Peltz-Beckhams have got off to a shaky start. But I remain optimistic. Maybe there will be a third simchah to look forward to one day – good news for the caterers – one where all misunderstandings and upsets will be forgotten, and everyone will dance together in a joyful hora.