Under normal circumstances, I rather like a good conspiracy theory. I do think something sinister happened to David Kelly.
I am genuinely puzzled by the 25 open verdicts recorded on the deaths of British scientists working on defence contracts between 1982 and 1990.
If your definition of 'violent circumstances' includes plane crashes, at least 15 of the world's leading experts in microbiology and germ warfare have died unnaturally since 2002, including two savage beatings and a suffocation.
Some think coincidence, or cock-up rather than carve-up; my suspicion falls somewhere in between.
I think what starts as carve-up often ends as cock-up because the people employed to perpetrate the nefarious deed are incompetent.
Then there is the type of conspiracy some suggest will take place on Sunday, a plot to hand the title to Chelsea at Anfield, and a rival one to deliver it to Manchester United, unfolding later in the day at Sunderland. Now these are the conspiracies I find far-fetched. I think scientists around the globe may be getting bumped off by government spooks; but I seriously do not believe Liverpool are about to chuck it against Chelsea.
Or Sunderland against Manchester United, no matter that Steve Bruce is a friend and admirer of Sir Alex Ferguson. I was at the game the last time a team managed by Bruce had the opportunity to do United a favour on the final day of the 2007-08 season, and Wigan Athletic could not have worked more actively against them had they strewn the M6 with nails and broken glass as the United bus made its short journey north. Manchester United had to win to guarantee the title that afternoon, too, but although the 2-0 scoreline sits comfortably in the record books, in reality it was anything but.
Wigan had some excellent chances, an obvious penalty for handball by Rio Ferdinand rejected and Paul Scholes should have been sent-off. "I have been asked about the integrity of my players all week," said Bruce, "but someone should ask about the integrity of the referee. My goodness those decisions were horrendous."
So Bruce has every right to be affronted at even a hint that his team – Sunderland this time – will be ordered to lay down again. Was it not Sunderland that were an Anton Ferdinand own goal in injury time away from winning at Old Trafford on October 3? This was the game that provoked Ferguson's infamous rant about the fitness of referee Alan Wiley.
Of course, Sunderland's display will not matter if Liverpool have already surrendered to Chelsea, supposedly to stop Manchester United overtaking their shared record of 18 league titles. Maybe there are some barmy fans who would wish it, but the players are made of sterner stuff. Indeed, the rivalry between the two teams is as intense as any in modern football.
Do you seriously think Steven Gerrard will wish to be made to look second rate by Frank Lampard? And who is to give the instruction to capitulate? Not Rafael Benitez, a manager who knows that Champions League football is essential to the future of the club, and his part in it. Lose, and it will be gone. And so will he.