How I wish I could let rip about golems, nebechs and nebbishes on ‘Kvetch FM’

OK, maybe it didn’t need to insult the Pope (I got a warning from the radio bosses because I stated on air that it was a universal truth that the Pope is always either dying or dead. In my defence, I would have said exactly the same about the Chief Rabbi or the Dalai Lama were it true, but rabbis seem to go on a lot longer (why do I now have an image of drumming rabbits being powered by Duracell batteries and going on for longer? This is why I won’t get into heaven when my own batteries die) and the Dalai Lama has been around for ever).

Yes. What the radio station really needed was some juicy Jew stuff. Once a week in real life I would present my agony aunt show. I called it my Misha Miracle Monday show because I promised all my callers I would solve their problems – at least to my own satisfaction.

Members of my own family would regularly call in. In particular, my mother would phone into the show faithfully every Monday to complain about my dad. Of course I had told her in advance she was not to mention she was from Israel or be obviously Jewish. We had to be non-denominational. We didn’t want to frighten the horses.

But, oh!, if only she could actually have been frank and let rip and properly kvetched and carped about my dad, throwing in some “golems”, and “nebechs” and “nebbishes”. How much better if the whole radio station had just been filled with Jewish perspective and pith. And, obviously, a whole lot of heartfelt complaining. My, how my agony aunt show would have thrived and flourished then.

Every day could have been devoted to agony-aunting or problem-solving. The tsores (troubles) and the dilemmas we could really have had if my friends and family hadn’t had to phone in and pretend not to be Jewish!

Clearly the station would need some very alert producers to filter out the haters. As you surely know, if you go to the public or open comments part on anything remotely Jewish or Israeli you will quickly see the most hideous and hateful spew and spite and, guys, it would really spoil the happy vibe. But I’m envisioning a radio station where Jews can complain and grumble. In fact, I think we could even call the station Kvetch.

Sure, we can listen to the wonderful radio archives of Michael Freedland’s You Don’t Have To Be Jewish programmes but what about the less than highbrow appetites and needs? It doesn’t make sense; if we Jews run the media, as we’re told we do, then how come I can’t find even one live Jewish radio station?

There was Shalom UK but it no longer exists. People, not just my mother, but maybe especially my mother, need outlets. They need to be able to phone in to a radio show and tell all about the schmucks and nudniks in their lives.

You want it now, don’t you? An earthy, gritty, ballsy, cosy UK Jewish radio station. You see the beauty of it, don’t you? We need this. We could have a cookery section, a travel part, maybe a bit of music, a bit of gossip, current affairs and, of course, my daily agony aunt shows. Most definitely, though, there should be a daily show for kvetching. Oh, the fun we would have.