When contemporary commentators focus on the titles of the weekly Torah portions in which Sarah and Jacob die, they emphasise the importance of Chayei Sarah (“the Life” of Sarah”) and Vayechi (“and he lived”). Their point is simple — it is how we live that ultimately counts, not how we die. Yet, as I see in my congregational work, having a good death is also important.

Modern pastoral research suggests that a good death has three components: physically dying well, true acceptance of the ups and downs of one’s life journey and making peace with loved ones. It is a lucky person who has all three. This may be why some people will never end a conversation or go to bed or a sour note, just in case there is not another chance!

In this week’s parashah Jacob dies and in the haftarah King David breathes his last. Both patriarchs have the opportunity to say goodbye to their loved ones — and they do. Unfortunately, neither makes his peace with all those he has known. David instructs Solomon to avenge him against those who wronged him, while Jacob “blesses” some of his sons in ways that settle old scores, eg: Reuben, who finally gets his comeuppance for the dealings with Bilhah, Jacob’s concubine.

We often talk about “famous last words” — yet neither Jacob nor David use their parting words to fully help or heal. The age-old advice is sound; we may regret not having made peace with a loved one before it’s too late. Yet relationships are a two-way street, so when, hopefully after a long and happy life, we find ourselves counting out last few breaths, let us not forget that we, too, are equally responsible for exiting this world having left our affairs in the best possible place.