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Last weekend was my son Aron's barmitzvah. Here are some more or less random thoughts prompted by the event. First, barmitzvahs are a magnificent invention. I apologise if that is rather a banal observation, but they are, aren't they? Watching your children come of age really is wonderful, life-affirming stuff. So having a ceremony to mark the occasion is simply genius.
Other religions may have births marriages and deaths, but we have births, marriages, deaths and barmitzvahs. Leaving aside one's view of the literal truth of different scriptural teachings I think that is definitely one up for Judaism.
● Perhaps the best advantage of frequent attendance in synagogue is that when you celebrate your child's bar- or batmitzvah, you do it as members of a community you feel properly a part of. We have been members of Pinner and Northwood Liberal since the children were very small. It is difficult to describe the feeling engendered by watching my son on the bimah, taking part in our own familiar service.
● If mini eclairs are an option as part of the kiddush, go for them. Ditto fish balls. I'm pretty firm on this topic.
● The speeches at a barmitzvah party are the best bit. I don't mean mine by the way. I mean other people's. When my wife Nicky first made this observation I was very sceptical. Surely we can skip the speeches? But I now realise she is right. When you go to the party of a close friend you have often known their children since birth, but always quite superficially. During the speeches, you get to know them as people for the first time. Since I understood this, I have learned to listen much more carefully and with greater discernment. Indeed from the friends' speech at Aron's party, I even learned a little something about my own son which I felt I hadn't properly understood.
Fish balls are a pretty essential ingredient to a barmitzvah
● Should we have had table decorations, or would flowers have done just as well? Essentially, unlike the mini eclairs issue (see above for clear advice), this one is unanswerable. She did do a very good job, the table decoration lady, I will give her that. Partyish, that's the word I'd use for it.
● Are we all spending too much time and money on the party, turning a spiritual and religious event into a vulgar show? I'm pretty firm on this topic, too. No. No, we aren't. The ability to share this joyous moment in one's family life with one's friends is one of the great privileges of being a Jew. And of having friends. Attending the barmitzvah parties thrown by friends has, over the past few years, been a very precious part of our community and social life.
Our own childrens' barmitzvahs have been an equally precious chance to reciprocate. Everyone does this at their own level, doing what they feel comfortable with socially and financially. One person's tastefulness is another person's vulgarity and vice versa. I think it's better just to dance around in a circle and not worry about it.
● In the Liberal synagogue we have a service to mark, essentially, graduation from Cheder. It comes two years after Barmitzvah. It is not (as I think some may have originally conceived it) a replacement but it is a rather wonderful supplement. Turning 13 is not really the moment you become an adult. It is the moment you start to become an adult, which is rather a different thing. Two years or so later, your child is emerging out of the other end of this process. They have changed quite a bit, or at least that's my experience (sample size one). I think this Liberal tradition is quite a good one.
Daniel Finkelstein is Associate Editor of The Times
