However, your choice may not be as stark as it appears and you might be able to experience a barmitzvah in Israel while also including all the grandparents in your son's coming of age. You can do this by having two smaller celebrations instead of one large one. Your son's first call-up to the Torah could take place in Israel, accompanied by a small group of immediate family and closest friends; then he could be called up to read from the Torah and haftarah at your synagogue on Shabbat once you've returned. You can video or even live-stream the ceremony in Israel so that the grandparents who are not able to attend can still participate in some way, while they can look forward to hearing their grandson leyn and read haftarah in synagogue on his return.
The only impediment I can think of is a budgetary one. If that is the case, you can host a nice kiddush in shul on that Shabbat rather than the common catered function with all the whistles and bells on a Sunday evening. The money saved can be put towards your trip to Israel.
The argument that your friends and community would expect more than just a kiddush in shul is nonsense. It's your simchah and you need to do what is best for your family.
 | Rabbi Jonathan Romain Jonathan Romain is rabbi at Maidenhead (Reform) Synagogue. |
I am not sure that the idea of a barmitzvah in Israel is such a great one, even if all his grandparents could be present. Yes, it means having one of his most meaningful Jewish moments in the place where the Jewish story began and which has been enormously significant ever since, but there are two downsides.
First, it gives the message that Jewish life is centred in Israel, whereas for many centuries it lay elsewhere, as in the golden ages of Babylonian, Spanish, Polish and, in the last century, American Jewry. Diaspora Judaism counts too. Even the religious calendar does not exclusively reside in Israel; Pesach is set in Egypt, Shavuot at Sinai, Succot in the wilderness, Purim in Persia.
Second, a bar/batmitvah in Israel means that children who have been practising for a year in their synagogue with their rabbi and alongside their friends, suddenly have it without their familiar surroundings, community, teacher and peer group. It may still be very successful, but perhaps less enriching.
I generally advise those wishing to have an Israel experience not to have their bar/batmitzvah there, but to celebrate it in their local shul and then for the immediate family go to Israel afterwards. This entails not just travelling to Eilat for a holiday, but going for a historical tour that takes in both biblical and modern sites, from Dan to Beersheba, tracing our path as a people and presenting it as part of the child's autobiography.
In your particular case, the possible omission of two key members of the family reinforces the above; their presence is more important than the location, whether for their sake or the child's. Moreover, they are an essential part of the chain of Jewish tradition, and without them passing on the Jewish heritage, the ceremony would not be happening anyway. Have it at home.
As for your concern that it would not be such a big simchah, the focus of the day should be on the child, his awareness of Jewish life and identification with Jewish values. Everything else is detail which should not overshadow that.
This is not new. Medieval Rhineland rabbis ruled that only those at the service could attend the ensuing banquet, while Lithuanian rabbis were concerned that people were overspending and said that it was they who would decide how many guests a family could invite to the simchah.
