Fear not, the chaos is all part of the grand plan - The Jewish Chronicle

During the pandemic, the government has come under fire for numerous failings, but it’s important to give credit where it’s due. As has become apparent, MPs have been making concerted efforts to keep the guidelines as confusing as possible, and it’s clear that they have been making great strides here.

A leaked transcript indicates that their communications strategy is masterminded by a secret parliamentary sub-committee, identified by the appropriately unmemorable acronym: CPTDUSA (Confuse the Public — They Don’t Understand the Science Anyway).

We publish a brief extract of a recent meeting here. Names of individual politicians have been redacted.

Committee Member A: The figures are horrible – over 7,000 positive tests a day. We must communicate to the public that this isn’t going away and they’ve got to take it seriously.

Member B: We can say the increase is due to our fantastic new nationwide testing system?

C: No good. Everyone knows it can’t cope — people are being told to drive 200 miles to get a test.

A: We’re prioritising areas of greatest need? That always sounds quite caring.

D: Let’s say only apply for a test if you have symptoms.

C: That’s useless. A significant percentage of people are asymptomatic — there could be thousands out there breathing all over everyone without knowing they have it so they won’t get a test.

D: How about – we have a world-beating system in development and we will roll in out in due course?

C: World-beating? I love it. Is it really?

A: Well, anything that’s down to pure science and research, we’re actually surprisingly good at.

B: (laughing): Because it only involves scientists, not politicians!

D: But anything involving logistics and organisation….

C: … We can’t do at all.

A: Yup, pretty much.

B: What rules are we using now? I’m a bit confused…

A: It’ll almost certainly have changed by the end of the meeting but for now — (checks watch) — at 14.23 — we’re still going with HANDS – FACE – SPACE – as our main thing. We added the Rule of Six – but once we’ve got beyond that, B just can’t remember it. We have to keep it simple for him, but we’re saying we’re streamlining the message for the general public.

D: But some people can’t even remember that – did you see, the PM’s dad was spotted in a newsagent with no mask?

C: Yes, but luckily, we got a pic of Corbyn at a dinner party for nine, so we’ve leaked that to the press. That should more than cancel out the fall-out from Stanley’s mask fiasco. Plus it buggers JC’s brand – that he’s part of the proletariat: He should be home having spaghetti hoops on toast, not poncing it up at a dinner party.

B: I’m always forgetting my mask. And I’ve forgotten what the R number means again.

A: For god’s sake, we go through this every time.

D: It stands for Rate.

A: No it doesn’t – it’s the Reproductive number. It’s over 1 at the moment.

B: Oh, good. I know on my boiler control panel thingy, it has to be between 1 and 2.

A: (incredulous) That’s not the same thing at all. It needs to be below 1.

B: So let’s say it’s “below 1” then.

A: No. It actually has to be below 1.

B: Who’s in charge of that? God, it’s not Grayling, is it?’

A: No-one’s ‘in charge’ of it. The scientists monitor the data then give us the number.

B: And then what?

A: (whispers to C): Why is B even here? He’s a moron.

C: (sotto voce): Mate of you-know-who — just live with it.

A: The way it works is the scientists use the data to establish the pattern of cases, deaths etc, then we make policy decisions accordingly.

B: But then people think it’s all our fault if things go wrong! That’s not fair.

C: Well, we were elected, so it is actually our job to make decisions and, you know do things.

B: Can’t we blame the scientists? After all, if they didn’t keep spouting the figures, people wouldn’t get so alarmed.

A: The strategy so far is to make the scientists deliver any bad news and show graphs of cases spiralling out of control. That makes the public associate all the negative stuff with the scientists.

C: But they’re only conveying information – it’s not their fault.

A: Yup, but still it means the public subconsciously associate rising cases with CW and PV rather than with us.

C: But we’re the ones telling them what to do.

A: Yes – but, here our strategy is to change the rules often and to make a lot of regional variations – that way, we keep everyone in a haze of total confusion. We’ve been doing this really well — see, 86 per cent of adults when questioned said that they weren’t sure of all the rules, and 57 per cent said they had no clue at all what’s going on. The PM got muddled by the Rule of Six the other day. It’s almost impossible to keep it all in your head.

D: Is the Rule of Six the one where you have to have six adults in your household?

B: Yes – we had to move in my aunt and her friend and get our two grown-up kids to move back. It’s a real pain.

A: No, no! You can have up to six people maximum at once.

B: So I can tell them to sod off?

C: Only if you all test negative.

B: But I can’t get a test. They said I’d have to go to Caerphilly. They have loads of restrictions in Wales. I might get stuck there.

D: So, from our point of view, we’ve actually been astoundingly successful because the populace is clearly confused?

A: Yes. Mission accomplished. Keep up the good work. Meeting ends at 14.29.

Claire Calman’s latest novel, Growing Up for Beginners, is out now.