What a communications coach taught me about 'speaking like a woman'

According to experts, the speech style made women sound less competent and less employable.

Combine that trend with the conversational fillers that some women use and we can often give the impression that we feel uncomfortable or hesitant.

I guess, having grown up during the birth of American reality television programs, that I sometimes, like, umm, kind of do use that sort of language.

So it is no surprise that companies actively seek communication experts such as AF Communications, set up by Annie Fine, to work with their female employees.

And when AF Communications, offered the JC the chance do a feature on their Gravitas Training for Women, I was not surprised when my editor suggested: “Rosa, you’d be good for this.”

According to Fine, founder of the company, the training is for “women who want to increase their authority, to be taken more seriously and have more impact in their workplace.”

She said it would allow me to analyse my personal impact and gain more control over how I am perceived.

The fact that Jewish women’s voices are too often silent is no secret. We have been traditionally under-represented in leadership roles, at board and trustee level. In some of the more religious circles, women are actively told they do not have a voice. I often wonder what affect that has on women and girls growing up in the Jewish community and whether it is a barrier for them to speak out.

And I have always been fascinated with the way we communicate, which I put down to my degree in English language and linguistics. My studies gave me a level of self-awareness of how my own language affects how I am perceived.

For example I know that the combination of my height (5ft2), small frame, and a higher-pitched-than-average voice, means that some senior male communal figures have often assumed I’m younger than I am and therefore inexperienced.

But in my job as a reporter, this has often actually helped me.

I can tell when I’m interviewing a senior figure, politician, or dignitary, that they are more often than not unintimidated by my presence, in a way that they would not be if I appeared older and male.

But I’m also aware it that has its downsides, such as sometimes making me appear unsure, unconfident, or ill-prepared, particularly in meetings.

I arrived for the Gravitas Training session at Hamlins law firm, a company which had elected to do the training, with an open mind.

I joined a room full of senior female solicitors, HR and Marketing professionals. These were not the kind of women who struggle to get their voices heard, I thought.

And part of me felt, what help do I need?

I might sound like a north London Kardashian in conversation with my friends, but I do have a voice, more of a voice than most women in fact. I write in a newspaper read by hundreds of thousands each week, I speak on the television and the radio. I’ve taken part in and chaired panels.

But Fine said: “For all our progress, some workplaces are still moulded around men and it hasn’t evolved to properly capitalise on and reward the difference in women’s style and approach...

“A woman’s style is often misinterpreted in male-dominated, status-conscious business cultures.”

She said women work more to maintain equality and build rapport at work and are less likely to claim credit for their achievements out of fear they might come across as self-aggrandising.

“This can then be interpreted in lacking in assertiveness which is incorrect,” she said.

She asked the group to discuss moments when they have spoken up about their successes. Most admitted to finding it hard but felt their male colleagues did not.

“The part of the brain called the cingulategyrus is bigger in women than men, and this helps us weigh options and recognise errors, which of course can be very beneficial, but in the context of fast-paced meetings it can make us too cautious and miss the opportunity for speaking out.”

AF Communications carries out training in industries such as the financial services, the legal profession, IT, media and engineering.

According to Fine, employers need to be more aware of the advantages in female employees’ communication style and of areas that may be holding them back.

“Women have a tendency to use an apology mode more than men,” she says. “This can manifest in the way they put more emphasis on the relationship than the issue when negotiating difficult messages.

“For example they might say something like ‘I’m really sorry to have to bring this up, but I haven’t had the report that I asked for yet’.

“This can be tricky because men often only hear the headline.”

Women are also likely to sabotage presentations with phrases like “this might be a bad idea but.”

By making small adjustments women can appear more confident and be heard better by their male colleagues and bosses.

“It is not about changing your personality or speaking style, but it is about giving you the tools that will make you sound more assertive and feel you are being heard,” Fine said.

I left the session more aware of my choice of language, but wondering when men would be trained to hear what we have to say?

For more information contact: annie@afcommunications.org