‘Honey, I podcasted our divorce’

Harris tells me: “No one gets married or has children thinking they will get divorced or become a single parent.” The 37-year-old mother of two separated from her husband of four years in 2023. She  spoke to me candidly over Zoom, alongside her podcast co-host Gershfield, who has also used her platform to talk openly about separation.

The pair bonded online over their shared experience, which led to them offering an unfiltered insight into separating as mothers with young children.

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While few expect to end up divorced, it is estimated that in the UK, 42 per cent of marriages end in separation and while the Institute for Jewish Policy Research’s most recent report on divorce in the community was in 2016, we know that Jewish social trends increasingly reflect the secular environment in  which most UK Jews live.

“I don’t know why divorce remains a taboo subject when it actually impacts so many people,” Gershfield says, sipping a cup of tea in her house in north-west London.

As influencers – although they both dislike the word – they know the danger of sharing the highs and lows of life online is that one day you might face something as low as a divorce.

But they are also part of a generation which thinks watching relationships break down online is normal.

One minute, someone you follow is in the Maldives sharing idyllic pictures of a romantic holiday, and the next, their partner is erased from existence on their feed.

“It became hard to fake it online,” says Gershfield, 36, about her marriage breakdown.

The mum of three had originally started sharing her life online as a mother of twins because she “wanted to help other mums not feel so alone with things.”

“I didn’t know any other twin mums, and at first, I was using it to talk to people like me – then my page grew organically.”

Harris, originally a fitness instructor, first shared something personal online after the traumatic birth of her first son.

“He ended up in a neonatal intensive care unit. I was one of those people who thought my child would just swim out into the world, and I wish I’d had a more realistic idea of what could happen. People weren’t talking about birth trauma because it was a bit of a taboo subject, but I wanted to discuss it.”

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Again, she was instantly comforted by “people going through the same thing. It made me feel less alone.”

Gershfield, who recently hit 150,000 followers on Instagram, announced she was divorcing her husband of eight years in August 2022.

There’s this whole single mum community online, and to know that you’re not on your own is so comforting

“Sharing my experience has been therapeutic,” she says. “I’ve realised there’s this whole single mum community online, and to know that you’re not on your own is so comforting.”

Harris, who lives in Essex with her two children, had followed Gershfield for some time, and when she started experiencing problems in her marriage, she felt she could turn to her for support.

“When Carly reached out to me, I was heartbroken for her because I knew what she was about to go through,” says Gershfield.

“We had long voice note chats back and forth for weeks. I was just there for her – because I get it.”

Gershfield had long wanted to start a podcast on the subject of divorce but held off as she didn’t think she had the right co-presenter.

“There was nothing out there to support people, especially our generation. Everything is online, but divorce remained an astonishingly isolating experience,” she explains.

“So after Carly announced her divorce, I reached out and said I wanted her to do a podcast with me.”

Episodes – which are typically 30 to 40 minutes long – cover topics such as infidelity, divorce, co-parenting, relationships, and dating as a single mum.

And the pair don’t shy away from sharing what they describe as the “warts and all” of separation.

Two years on, they are in talks with a production company to take Not As We Planned to the next level, have more than 1,300 members subscribing to their platform for exclusive content and recently published a self-help journal to support people going through breakup. They also run events on improving one’s well-being and navigating solo life and single parenting, and they been contacted by thousands of women who are in the midst of separating from their partners on their monthly Zooms.

“Members get to talk to us, ask questions, and we give personal advice one-to-one,” says Harris. “Women are the strongest, we just get up and do our best, but we can all do with some support. When I was separating from my husband, I know I felt incredibly low – as if things couldn’t possibly get any better.”

Gershfield puts it thus: “We’ve always wanted to validate how people are feeling, to make them feel less alone. And in a short time, we’ve built a community of people who just get it.”

For her part, Gershfield, who grew up in the Jewish community and who attended Sinai Jewish Primary School, in Harrow, has recently found happiness again with someone who isn’t Jewish. Naturally, she discusses the relationship online.

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“We keep kosher at home, my mum loves taking the kids to shul, and my kids go to a Jewish school, but it doesn’t bother me that he’s not Jewish. I always imagined that having a non-Jewish partner would be a big deal, but because mine has taken such an interest in Jewish stuff, in our food – he loves a Shabbat dinner – and our festivals, it doesn’t feel like one at all.”

Meanwhile, Harris, who has shared emotional videos about her breakup online, is open to meeting someone Jewish.

“I’ve been on J Swipe but no success as yet. It is funny because when you match with someone you ask your friends what they think, and then invariably find out quite quickly if red flags are waving.”

They are cheered that despite the intensely personal content they share on Not As We Planned there has been minimal criticism from the community. But proud Jews that they are, they have, like many Jewish content creators, found aspects of their online world difficult in the wake of October 7.

 “You see people sharing things and how fast misinformation spreads. I wish more people in our space would think twice about that – because it is irresponsible,” says Gershfield.

Conversely, the support for the podcast from people who “know me, or know of me has been lovely”, says Gershfield.

Harris thinks this is partly because “although we are similar in many ways, we also disagree. People seems to like it, this honest friendship we have.”

And so, their winning formula in hand, the pair hope their podcast will continue to break down the taboos surrounding separation and offer support to those going through one.

 “I remember feeling so alone it was physically painful. But I’m in a new phase now – I feel a bit invincible,” says Gershfield.

Harris concurs. “If we can do it, anyone can.”

@notasweplanned_podcast

@iamcarlyharris

@tash_blake-ivy