Divorce doesn't have to destroy your sanity

Her knight in shining armour was a member of her family, who came to her rescue when the divorce was still ongoing after more than a year of mounting legal fees.

"I felt under huge pressure from everyone around me, telling me I should be doing this or shouldn't be doing that. He came on board as my 'divorce buddy', helping me to change lawyers, attending meetings with my solicitor, helping me approve all their draft letters, etc. As I got more confident and calm, his role diminished."

What the experience taught her was the value of having someone to hold your hand and help you through the daunting quagmire of documents and correspondence. And if Rosefield – a barrister – needed that kind of support, she guessed that others might need it too.

She decided, with a partner, to provide a service offering clients personalised support, helping to prepare them for the divorce process and empowering them. After a couple of years, the practice began to gain momentum, as more family solicitors sent their clients to Rosefield and former clients began to refer her.

One of her early clients was Lily, who came to her overwrought with panic and anxiety over her divorce. Her solicitors were not keeping her informed, which added to her stress. "English was her second language, and it was clear from our first meeting that she hadn't understood what was going on. She was in such a panicked state she could not take anything in and we had to give her information many times before she could absorb and understand it.

"I helped her to instruct new solicitors she could trust as well as to sift through 20 boxes of bank statements and invoices to prepare her financial disclosure."

Since 2014, Rosefield has practised on her own, and what started as a hand-holding and referrals service has morphed into her also taking on some legal work and becoming her clients' most trusted advisor.

She helps clients deal with legal documents, which might include their financial disclosure paperwork, statements or reviewing letters drafted by their solicitors.

"We often go through papers, sitting on the floor and eating lunch off our laps - it's very informal. I may speak to a client 20 times a day if they need me, sometimes outside office hours," she explains.

Not only does Rosefield take a lot of the emotional strain from her clients, but she also does a lot of the work that would otherwise have to be done by the lawyers, which helps to keep her clients' costs down – one of the biggest issues for anyone going through a divorce.

She advises clients to obtain their get early in the process. "Gets can be problematic," she says. "The husband grants it, and has the power to withhold it. There's provision in civil law that allows judges to withhold the decree absolute until the get has been granted, so the earlier you realise there might be problems, the better. If you run into complications, find a solicitor with experience in this area or refer them to gettingyourget.co.uk."

Rosefield explains that the get ceremony can have a far bigger emotional impact than the civil divorce. "It's a crunch point - you walk in the room married, and leave divorced. The civil process is more drawn out so can feel less traumatic." Her experience with her get was reasonably positive, but many women find it intimidating.

If either of you cannot face enduring the ceremony in person, the LBD will arrange for a rabbi to stand in for the husband. The LBD are trying to improve the process and the situation in relation to the Agunot - women whose husbands refuse to grant them a Get.

In Rosefield's view, every divorce requires a different approach tactically, and difficult personality types can make a divorce far more gruelling than it needs to be.

"We often come across people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Someone with NPD has a sense of entitlement and self-importance, and unless you give them everything, they will not stop. Being on the other side of this can make you feel like you're going insane and you have to employ very different tactics for negotiating and communicating with them."

She often refers clients in need of counselling to forensic psychologist Dr Angela Smith, who warns: "Narcissists are, in essence, emotionally and psychologically abusive." They can also be so charming that what is really going on can be disguised to third parties, and they can manipulate others against their ex-partner, who often ends up an emotional wreck."

Both women stress that emotion is not useful in a court environment."The judge, who is there to follow the legal process, simply isn't interested in seeing beyond superficial personality traits. So the non-narcissist partner can often come across as emotionally fragile whilst the narcissist appears the better witness," explains Smith.

Rosefield recalls a client whose ex-wife wanted to take their very young child to live in Australia.

"She was very controlling over how often the child saw her father and had NPD. No one listened to him when he said how unreasonable she was being. He was referred to me for anger issues two weeks before the case went to court, borne out of frustration at dealing with her.

"When I talked to him about her NPD, he cried with relief. We didn't refer to it in court, as judges still don't really get it, but worked with him to reduce his emotional distress, and he won his case."

Both agree that therapeutic work is important and needs to be incorporated in the way the legal process is handled. Unusually they sometimes see clients together to try to achieve this.

Says Rosefield: "Once you have worked out the psychology of the other side, you can choose the type of solicitor to instruct, how to structure emails and how you negotiate. This can not only affect the result but also your sanity as you emerge from the split."

Laura Rosefield and Dr Angela Smith will speak on "How to divorce well" at JW3 on June 28; jw3.org.uk