Life
Ask Hilary: Help! I hate my nose
Our agony aunt advises a reader considering cosmetic surgery, and a mother who can't understand her son.
February 2, 2017 14:36
Our agony aunt advises a reader considering cosmetic surgery, and a mother who can't understand her son.
February 2, 2017 14:36QI hate my nose! I feel very conscious that is it too big for my face. But I’m phobic about hospitals, and I’d hate to think that people thought I wanted to look less stereotypically Jewish. In fact, I feel guilty about hating my nose at all. Can you help me love my face?
AAs someone who has hated and worried about my prominent nose since the age of 13, this is one problem that I can absolutely relate to. While I can’t say I now love my nose, it has — if you’ll pardon the pun — grown on me. I accept it.
The chances are you are much more conscious of your nose than anybody else is. In other words, your problem is more “in” your head than “on” it. The fact that you feel guilty about your negative feelings towards your nose suggests that you are generally an anxious person, who worries a lot about what others think of you. Add to that your phobia of hospitals, and it seems to me that going through surgery could be traumatic for you — as well as painful.
What I’ve come to realise is that fixing my nose wouldn’t fix my life. And research backs that up. People get a temporary self-esteem boost but then they start worrying about something else, and wanting to get that fixed. I once saw a simulation of what I’d look like after a nose job — weird, not like me. And suddenly, instead of my nose, I hated my fat cheeks, my gappy teeth, my frizzy hair. These days, I worry about grey hairs and wrinkles. Believe me, there will always be something.
You don’t say how old you are but the best advice I can give you is to do nothing for now. Wait. If you’re anxious, then talk to someone about how you feel — a friend or a counsellor, not a plastic surgeon. Instead of focusing on your perceived flaw, try to highlight your good points, whether it’s your hair, eyes, lips etc. Get busy with something that you enjoy. It’s very likely that in time this will become far less of a worry to you.
QMy son, who is 23, says he is asexual and has no interest in a physical relationship although he does have a girlfriend who he goes out with on dates. Shes a lovely girl, and they do seem very close. But I feel that he just needs to meet the right person and everything will fall into place. Im trying to bite my tongue, but its frustrating. What should I do?
AIt’s not your place to do anything. If your son were gay, would you try to do something about that, or believe that he’d change his mind if he met the right girl? This is no different. He has trusted you enough to share his sexual orientation with you, and you need to believe him and respect his choices and who he is. This may not be the life you imagined for him and you may not be able to relate to it, but your son is not unhappy.
Perhaps the issue is that you don’t understand or accept asexuality. It might not be talked about much in our highly sexualised society, but around one per cent of the population is thought to be asexual. Human sexuality exists on a hugely complex and vast spectrum ranging from not sexual to compulsively hypersexual, and everything in between, and it is influenced by all kinds of environmental, hormonal and psychological factors. Being asexual — having no interest at all in sex of any kind — is not the same as being celibate, which is choosing to abstain from sex. If you want to learn more about this subject, then take a look at the AVEN Network website (www.asexuality.org). And why not ask your son to explain?
Reading between the lines, I wonder if you are you worried that your son may never settle down and have children? As he is only 23, this is probably the last thing on his mind. But, to reassure you, asexual people can and do have children. And he’s currently in a relationship with a girl you say is “lovely”. Perhaps she’s asexual too, or maybe sex just isn’t important to her. The important thing is that your son is content. Be happy for him that he knows who he is, and be happy for yourself that he felt able to confide in you. That’s a parenting success story. If you do or say anything, other than to support him, you risk creating a problem and might even drive him away.
Contact Hilary via email at agony@thejc.com, anonymously or not. Or write to her at 28 St Albans Lane, London NW11 7QE
