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Q I have recently started a new job. I enjoy my work, and it doesn’t bother me at all that I am the only Jewish woman in the company. But I have one colleague who insists on telling Jewish jokes to me, which are mostly based on stereotypes about Jewish women — the Jewish princess, the Jewish mother — or about Jews in general. I find this excruciatingly embarrassing.
Worse, he has a Jewish surname and clearly thinks of himself as Jewish, even though he seems to know nothing about the community or the religion. He’s in a senior position, so I don’t feel comfortable about challenging him directly, or talking to HR.
A There is nothing more irritating than somebody repeatedly telling you unfunny and offensive jokes. But why do you find it so deeply embarrassing? Could it be because you don’t feel quite as secure as you maintain about being the only Jewish woman at work? Or is it that you don’t want people to associate you — or Jewish people/Judaism — with this annoying, brash guy?
Either way, if you want him to stop then you need to ask politely. Clearly he’s not the type to read subtle signals, or he’d have given up voluntarily by now. So don’t engage. Don’t laugh, even out of politeness. You don’t have to challenge him or tell him off for being inappropriate, but you can say, “I really don’t find that funny.”
But have you ever thought that perhaps he’s trying to connect with you, albeit clumsily? You’re Jewish, he thinks of himself as Jewish. While he might not know anything about the community or the religion, he does appear to have some sort of Jewish identity.
Maybe Jewish jokes are all he knows, the only way he can attempt to find some common ground with you. So, if you can bear to, why not try to have a chat with him about being Jewish? Ask him about himself, where he comes from, if he is interested in getting more involved.
Of course he might just be a nasty piece of work who is trying to make you feel uncomfortable by being offensive, and using his Jewish name to get away with it. If you suspect that’s the case, then you should report him to HR. Being more senior than you doesn’t give him licence to behave however he wants.
Q My son is 16 and I suspect he is taking drugs. He’s admitted to us that he’s smoked marijuana once, and also experimented with legal highs. We’ve talked to him about the health risks and also the legal issues, but this is the norm among his friends. His grades have been slipping this year. What can we do to stop things getting worse?
A If you suspect he’s taking drugs — and he’s admitted he’s done it before — then he almost certainly is. Most teenagers try marijuana and not just once (he probably told you that just to appease you) but repeatedly. In fact, according to neuroscientist and drug-addiction expert Marc Lewis (whom I interviewed for this paper a few months ago) you should be more worried about having a child who doesn’t experiment with drugs or alcohol: “Research shows that kids who never try drugs or booze end up at the wrong end of a number of scales of social success, including having more failed relationships,” he says. “It’s natural and appropriate for teens to experiment in all aspects of their lives. This is not just an issue of peer pressure.”
In other words, your son is normal and functional and just finding his way in the world.
Telling him off, or punishing him won’t make him stop taking drugs — as you no doubt already know. What it will do, however, is make him stop listening to you and lose respect for you because he’ll just see you as old, ignorant and past it. You’re better off monitoring him, keeping the channels of communication open and setting sensible limits for him. Read up on drugs yourself so you’re well-informed — the website Talk to Frank (www.talktofrank.com) has lots of useful information. There’s also a section specifically for parents worried about a child’s drug use: http://www.talktofrank.com/worried-about-a-child
In general, happy, well-adjusted children don’t become drug addicts so it’s very likely that this is just a phase and will be over by the time he’s graduated from university. But if his grades continue to slip, or you suspect he’s getting into harder drugs, then perhaps it’s time to seek support from his school.
Contact Hilary via email at agony@thejc.com, anonymously or not. Or write to her at 28 St Albans Lane, London NW11 7QE