Should I remarry if my son objects to my new partner? - The Jewish Chronicle

Question: I am a widow in my 60s and don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I have met someone who wants to marry me, but my son objects and won’t even meet him. I am torn between losing a chance for companionship and losing my son. What should I do?

Rabbi Brawer: No one should have to live alone unnecessarily. The centrality of companionship and love is emphasised at the very beginning of the Torah. Adam is lonely and God creates his soulmate Eve because “it is not good for a human to be alone” (Genesis 2: 18).

And in the highly pessimistic Book of Ecclesiastes, the author notes that love may be the one experience that makes life bearable: “Enjoy life with a woman whom you love all your days of mere breath, that have been given to you under the sun… for that is your share in life and in your toil that you toil under the sun” ( 9: 9).

You are very fortunate to have found someone whom you love and who loves you. I would see this as a blessed opportunity that should not be passed up.

While your son may feel that this is a betrayal of his father, this is something he needs to grapple with internally and ultimately overcome. It is simply wrong for him to condemn you to decades of loneliness because a second marriage offends his sensibilities.

If, after meeting your prospective husband, your son has reservations about your compatibility and future happiness together, he should be able to voice them. If this were to happen, you should listen carefully to his concerns, although in the end, the decision to marry is yours alone.

But from what you describe, it seems that your son’s problem lies not with the man you want to marry, but with the very idea of your remarrying. If he were a small child, your son’s reaction would be understandable, but as an adult it really is unacceptable. That he has led you to believe you may lose your relationship with him is emotional blackmail and I would urge you not to take the bait.

You can’t force your son to meet the man you want to marry. But what you can do is to insist firmly that you love this man and will marry him regardless of what you son thinks. At the same time make it clear that your love for your son is in no way diminished by this choice.

Nor for that matter does a second chance at love in anyway undermine the love you shared with your first husband. Not everyone is fortunate to have one true love last a lifetime.

You fortunately have a second chance. Don’t let it pass you by.

Rabbi Brawer is Neubauer chief executive of Hillel, Tufts University

Rabbi Romain: This is a role reversal extraordinaire. Usually it is parents objecting to their offspring’s marriage to someone they feel is unsuitable.

The case also raises the question of whether the command to “respect your father and your mother” means your son should automatically fall in line with your wishes.

However, the rabbis have long pointed out that such obedience is conditional on the request being legitimate: for instance, a son need not obey a father’s command to steal shop items.

If your son has grounds for thinking you are so infatuated with your new partner that you do not realise you will be mistreated, he should dsay so. Respecting you does not mean blind obedience, but includes acting in your best interests.

But, as with parents concerned about their offspring’s choice, once they have pointed out possible pitfalls, one then has to respect the decision and try to support the relationship as much as possible. So too with him.

In your case, however, your son’s refusal to even meet him Justfeelings and not about your partner. Just as little children can be selfish, so can adult children.

If it is because he feels it is dishonouring his father, he is wrong; it is no reflection on the happiness of a first marriage to seek to replicate it. He also needs to ask whether his father would have preferred you to be happy with someone else or unhappy alone?

If it is due to his attachment to you and he fears your partner might estrange you from him, then you have to reassure him this will not be the case (and ensure that it does not happen). Just because he loves you a lot does not mean he can dictate your life.

You need to sit down with him to fathom out what is motivating him, perhaps with a counsellor to help you if you reckon it will be too difficult to navigate the emotions that will emerge. Alternatively, a family friend could speak to him on your behalf.

Judaism has never objected to widows and widowers remarrying, starting with Abraham after the death of Sarah. If a partner dies, the surviving one is not expected to be entombed with him or her.

You are entitled to seek happiness in what might be another thirty years ahead. Your needs take precedence over his shortcomings.

Jonathan Romain is rabbi at Maidenhead (Reform) Synagogue

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