Ask Hilary: My au pair makes me feel like a frump

It sounds like you’ve bought into the beauty myth wholesale, viewing yourself as inferior because you are not as Barbie-doll-like as your au-pair, who meets some arbitrary Western standard of “perfection”. It’s making you feel — resentful and cast aside, and your poor au-pair whose only crime is to be young, attractive, good at her job, with a sunny personality — is demonised as a temptress, a usurper. So you’re not as tall or as slim or as blonde as her? So what.

Are you worried that your husband finds her more attractive than you? There were taller, slimmer and blonder models available at the time he fell in love with you; he’s clearly not so shallow that those are his only criteria for a partner. As for your children, they won’t care what the au-pair looks like, only that she’s fun and nice to them.

Do remember that some men who are married to blonde supermodels also cheat on them. Physical appearance does not have any bearing on character or morals. Remember tall, slim, blonde Sienna Miller? Her ex partner, actor Jude Law, had an affair with his children’s nanny, resulting in a very public apology. And you can’t get much taller, slimmer or blonder than Hollywood star Uma Thurman, yet her ex husband, Ethan Hawke, is now married to their children’s former nanny. What makes nannies/au-pairs easy prey for men who are of a mind to stray is merely their proximity. If you trust your husband, the au-pair’s youth and looks shouldn’t come into it.

But you know all this. Your feelings about the au-pair are the symptom, not the problem. It seems to me that your insecurities, while highlighted by the presence of your au-pair, are longstanding. If we doubt ourselves, or see ourselves in a negative light then we might wonder how other people could possibly see any good in us, let alone be attracted to us. What will actually make you less appealing — and the au-pair more so — is if you are grumpy and miserable and not relaxed at home. It’s a vicious circle.

Please try to regard this situation objectively, and positively. You are a grown woman with a home, a husband, happy children and financial security. Presumably, if you have a need to employ an au-pair, you also have some sort of career. On the other hand your au-pair is, I’m guessing, very young, un-worldly, a visitor from another country here to improve her English and experience another culture. It’s highly unlikely that she wants to have your life — or indeed your middle-aged husband; she might looks at what you have as something to aspire to for the future. You’re a success, while she is a work in progress.

Sadly, there’s no quick fix for getting over your insecurity. You need to work on your self-esteem, hopefully with the help of your husband and your friends. You need to learn like yourself more, instead of liking her less. Net Doctor has an online self-esteem test (www.netdoctor.co.uk/quizzes/selfesteem) and a helpful article with strategies for building self esteem. Some cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) may help you to change your patterns of behaviour.

 

Do you agree with Hilary? What advice would you give? We’re keen to hear what readers think. Contact Hilary with comments or with your problems via email at agony@thejc.com, anonymously or not. Or write to her at 28 St Albans Lane, London NW11 7QF