Nowadays, it seems that you can’t pick up a newspaper without reading about another high-profile relationship ending, whether this is between Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban, Kate Perry and Orlando Bloom or Chris Martin and Dakota Johnson. While these stories feed the public’s fascination with celebrity, behind the words there is likely to be immense pain felt by all parties.
When a relationship breaks down, the emotional toll can be overwhelming. Alongside the personal distress come urgent practical questions: Where will the children live? How will finances be divided? What will happen to the family home?
I practised as a family lawyer for more than 20 years. Although I spent a great deal of time representing clients in court, I consistently encouraged parties to reach negotiated settlements wherever possible.
Over time, I saw first-hand the toll that contested court proceedings can take on couples and, most importantly, on their children. The court process can intensify conflict, is highly stressful and often extremely expensive. It can foster a mindset that “winning” is the objective, when in reality there are rarely any true winners in family disputes – particularly where children are concerned.
I came to believe that families needed a more holistic and supportive approach: one that encourages dialogue, compromise and constructive problem-solving. Which was why I decided to train as a mediator.
Mediation offers families the opportunity to work through difficult issues with dignity and respect, rather than through adversarial confrontation.
At the centre of the process is an independent and neutral third party: the mediator. The mediator does not take sides, impose decisions or provide legal advice to either person. Instead, they create a safe and respectful space in which both individuals can explore options and work towards mutually acceptable solutions.
One of mediation’s greatest strengths is its focus on children. Parents may cease to be partners, but they remain co-parents. Mediation encourages respectful communication and helps parents concentrate on arrangements that best meet their children’s needs.
Children can also be given an opportunity to share their views with the mediator in a supportive and age-appropriate way, ensuring their voices are heard without placing them in the middle of conflict.
Family mediation can also be highly effective in resolving disputes siblings or between parents and adult children
For Jewish couples, there is the additional dimension of the religious divorce, the get. While the civil and religious processes are separate, mediation can support couples through both. By encouraging constructive dialogue, mediation can help prevent the get becoming entangled in disputes about finances or children, enabling couples to move forward both legally and religiously.
Family mediation is not limited to separating or divorcing couples. It can also be highly effective in resolving disputes between other family members, including siblings or between parents and adult children. For example, I have mediated between siblings where disagreements arose about sharing the financial and practical responsibilities of caring for elderly parents. These conversations can prevent a complete breakdown in relationships.
Where communication is particularly difficult, or where there is a high level of conflict, “shuttle mediation” can be used. In this format, the parties remain in separate rooms (or virtual spaces) while the mediator moves between them, allowing discussions to continue in a calm and structured way.
However, even with these safeguards in place, mediation is not suitable in every case. Where there is ongoing coercive control, serious safeguarding concerns, or a complete unwillingness by one party to engage, alternative routes may be necessary. Mediation also requires honesty and a genuine willingness to negotiate. However, with careful screening and skilled facilitation, it is effective in the majority of cases.
I practise family mediation because I believe families deserve a process that preserves dignity at a time of vulnerability. I have seen how structured, supported conversations can transform hostility into understanding, and how agreements reached collaboratively are far more likely to endure. Mediation cannot remove the pain of separation, but it can reduce conflict, protect children from harm and help families lay the foundations for a more positive future.
Rebekah Gershuny is a family solicitor, accredited family mediator and principal of Evolve Family Mediation: evolvefamilymediation.co.uk
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