New findings highlight mental health impact of get process on women

Twenty-six per cent said that get refusal – when the spouse withholds the religious divorce – was a factor.

This process of obtaining a get can cause severe distress, according to the questionnaire, with 33 per cent of UK respondents saying that their interactions with the beit din had significantly affected their mental health, and a further 24 per cent saying that their mental health had been “somewhat” impacted. 

Nearly 45 per cent said they had been “pressured” by the beit din to exchange something for their get.

Speaking to the JC, Ramie Smith, co-founder of GettOutUK, which offers support to those in the process of obtaining a get, said: "Years ago, we conducted a mental health survey, and we quickly realised how deeply the issue affected our clients.”

While Smith acknowledged that while there had been improvements in recent decades, these new statistics showed that more needed to be done to address the long delays and provide relief for women who often felt trapped by a seemingly unyielding system.

Chochmat Nashim cofounder Shoshana Keats Jaskoll said: "Divorce is not the ideal. Where warranted, it is a mitzvah, and as such, should be a compassionate and supportive process."

She said that the the data reflected the urgent need for the beit din system to evolve, ensuring that women no longer lost years of their lives waiting for a divorce that was rightfully theirs.

Smith said: "The wait for a get is particularly complex for younger women. It's not just about the control their husbands have over their lives, but about the time they lose – time many of them hope to use building a family.

“For women who are not of childbearing age, the situation is often not seen as urgent, which is upsetting. But for women who are still of childbearing age, the delay is particularly painful. They may have a limited window to have children, making the process all the more urgent."

Smith revealed how one woman recalled that not having a get felt like "a noose around [her] neck", explaining how, once she received her get, she felt like she could breathe and sleep freely for the first time in years.

Keats Jaskoll said that Chochmat Nashim advocated for comprehensive rabbinical training, consistent evaluation, transparent oversight and the establishment of clear, flexible timelines for divorce proceedings.

By implementing these changes, she said that the Jewish community could foster a divorce process that respected women’s rights, supported their mental wellbeing and reduced the trauma that often accompanied a get.

Keats Jaskoll stressed that the goal was to work collaboratively with the rabbinate and rabbinical courts worldwide to improve the system. “This isn’t about blame – it’s about making Jewish marriage holy and Jewish divorce dignified,” she explained.

“If we work together, we can really make a difference and bring needed holiness and kindness to such a challenging aspect of Jewish family life.

The data is being used on the website Rate My Beth Din (part of Chochmat Nashim), which, says the organisation, aims “to increase transparency in the Jewish divorce process”. It includes features such  cost of the divorce process in that court, average response time, and whether or not people have had a positive experiences with a particular beit din. Rate My Beit Din aggregates user, as well as professional, reviews.

A spokesperson from the S&P Sephardi Community, on behalf of their bet din, told the JC: “We are acutely aware of the particular challenges for women attending a beit din for their Get and are working hard to improve that experience.

“The dayanim of the Sephardi Beit Din have received training sessions from JWA and also work with [charity] Our Kids First. We introduced a get volunteer group last year, having trained a number of women in the community to support anyone attending the Beit Din and ensure that they are not the lone woman in the court room.

"Our relocation to Lauderdale Road has enabled a more confidential space for all attending the Beit Din. We also take time to receive and implement feedback from women who have received their Get via our Beit Din to further improve the experience for other women in the future.”

The London Beit Din currently publishes this information on the get process and last year, they released a video explainer on YouTube.

Three other UK batei din – Manchester Beit Din, Federation Beit Din and the the Kedassia Beit Din –  were approached for comment.

Sarah (not her real name) received a get two years ago, 25 years after her civil divorce:

“I was in a very unhappy marriage. It was my second marriage, and my husband was abusive. I had two kids from my first marriage, and my second husband wasn’t very nice to them. In the end, I had to get him arrested as he kicked my son.

When I got my civil divorce, I didn’t realise that I needed to put in a get clause to ensure that I received a get at the same time.

This is something that all Jewish women should know.

My ex-husband got remarried – to a non-Jewish woman – almost immediately, whereas I waited for my get for 25 years. My ex was just a vile, abusive man and withholding the get was another way for him to upset me.

Initially, the beit din tried to assist, and at one stage, a woman there was attempting to help me, but they didn’t get anywhere.

In the end, I felt blindsided, gaslit and completely ignored by them and became very depressed. Although I wasn’t religious, not having a get really weighed down on me.

One day, a friend of mine sent me an article about a law being passed which said that withholding a get was a form of coercive control and the man could be prosecuted.

I got a new lawyer, who sent my ex a letter threatening legal action. This would have affected my ex’s business, and it was at this point that he agreed to give me a get.

A date was set to go to the beit din, but I then got a call from them saying that my ex didn’t want to give me the get after all. I was so angry.

But then I heard that my ex had actually turned up at the beit din, and when they asked him why he was there after 25 years, he showed them the letter he had received from my solicitor. The beit din told him that as he hadn’t come of his own free will, he wouldn’t be able to give me a get. I was absolutely furious. The beit din obviously hadn’t done their due diligence on him.

My solicitor then wrote another letter, which worked this time, and the beit din agreed that he could give me a get.

When I walked into the beit din to receive it, I was faced with about ten male judges (dayanim) sitting there, and all I could think of was that if I was a 20-year-old strictly Orthodox girl, here on her own, how would I feel? I have more confidence than a young girl, but I was in such a state afterwards. Two years on, when I think about it, that experience still really affects me.

During those 25 years, I became more religious, but I couldn’t meet a religious man as I didn’t have a get. In the end, my experience with the beit din put me off Judaism anyway.

By the time I received my get, I was in my sixties and felt too old to meet someone to marry, so my ex essentially ruined my life.

My mental health greatly suffered during the process of trying to obtain my get, and had to go on antidepressants. But I was one of the lucky ones as I wasn’t a religious woman who still had to live with her husband in an abusive relationship.

Imagine a young religious woman going through the same experience with nowhere else to turn. She might feel like there really is no hope left. The beit din is playing a very dangerous game.

In my experience, there is no support for women waiting for their get. It seemed that the beit din didn’t take women seriously, and I was just another number. Things need to change.

In the first instance, when Jewish couples get married, they should have to sign a pre-nup saying that the husband will give a get in the event of a divorce.

They should also allow a woman who comes to the beit din to bring a friend or relative with them, and if they have been waiting for more than two or three years, the beit din should provide mental health support, such as counselling. At the moment, the beit din feels antiquated and misogynistic.

I was introduced to GettOutUK, who were absolutely amazing and came with me to the beit din, even though it wasn’t allowed. It makes me emotional now to think about how much they supported me.

Even two years after being given my get by my ex-husband, the beit din still hasn’t actually sent it to me. But I’m not chasing it as I don’t ever want to speak to them again.

As told to Gaby Wine

If you have been affected by any of these issues, you can call the Samaritans on 0330 094 5717 or text Jami to 85258