2 min read
BySimon Round, Simon Round
What would happen if Lord Sugar and the candidates consulted a therapist?
October 23, 2014 10:35As all of you who have watched The Apprentice over the past 10 seasons will know, this programme can be acutely stressful and sometimes traumatic for all involved.
Therefore the BBC have decided that I, Sigmund Grossbeger, psychotherapist to the stars, should be on hand to de-brief Lord Sugar, the candidates and anyone else from who feels that their psychological state has been affected by the show.
Business has been good.
First on the couch after this week's candle-selling task is Lord Sugar himself. He looks pale. It is several minutes before he speaks and then it is but a single word.
"Margins!" he says.
"What do you mean when you use the word, 'margins'?"
"What I mean to say is I give them the simplest task you can imagine. Make a scented candle cheap and sell the bloody thing for a profit. How hard can that be? So they start selling them for a fiver each. These are meant to be the most promising young entrepreneurial talents in the country. I tell you what, when they came back in the boardroom and told me the prices they accepted there was a funny smell in the room and it certainly was not the candle. I've been stitched up with this lot."
"Can we talk about your childhood?"
"I haven't got time to talk about my childhood, I've got a bloody business to run. What's that microphone for?"
Lord Sugar had calmed down considerably by the time he had left the room - I had managed to buy a couple of scented candles very cheap and they made for a relaxing atmosphere. Lord Sugar has issues of trust with his researchers "who foisted this bunch of bottlers on me". I think several more sessions will be required.
Next in the room is contestant Daniel Lassman.
"What would you like to talk about?"
He looks haunted. "He is deluded, mate" he tells me.
"Who is deluded, Daniel?"
"Steven - I made a sale for £25 and he said it was down to him that we sold the candles. He is is suffering from delusion – you want to have a word with him. What's that funny smell?"
I get rid of the candles. I also note that Daniel has not shaved. I write the word "stubble" on my notepad for reasons I do not yet fully understand.
Ella Jade Bitton visits. She looks uncomfortable as she did on the programme when she was told that all her labels were wonky.
"How do you feel, Ella?
"A little uncomfortable," she replies.
I am confident she will go far - she seems one of very few to show any self-knowledge. Mind you, self-knowledge didn't help Lindsay who virtually volunteered to be fired having contributed nothing but a shrug and yawns to the task. I note in her CV she described herself as "compassionate". I think she may have applied to the wrong show.