The nice Jewish Foreign Secretary is a vote-winner, and it’s nothing to do with his record in government
April 15, 2010 10:32I have a confession to make. What I am about to tell you I have kept to myself for a very long time - I have thought very long and hard indeed about whether to reveal it to you. But I cannot keep this secret for much longer. It has become a burden that is almost too much to bear. And so, taking the deepest of breaths - several deep breaths, in fact - I am ready, finally, to say it.
Brace yourselves. Find, perhaps, a chair on which to sit.
OK, here goes.
I have fallen head over heels for David Miliband.
Gosh, I cannot even begin to tell you what a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. My father will be so pleased that I have at last found a nice Jewish boy to be the object of my affections - it's just such a shame that said boy's affections are not reciprocated.
If I met him, I am sure I would turn to jelly, and possibly start squealing
For I have never even met the Foreign Secretary and MP for South Shields. If I did, I am sure I would turn to jelly and possibly start squealing, in the manner of a teenager who has just encountered a member of JLS, or that man from Twilight. Miliband, D. is my first ever political crush. (Miliband, E. doesn't really do it for me - for all his manifesto writing he just doesn't have the appeal of his older brother. I am quite sure he will be utterly devastated to hear this.)
Politics being showbusiness for ugly people, crushes on MPs are quite hard to come by. There's just something so inherently not-sexy about men who sit around debating things with other men, long into the night in windowless rooms.
But there's something about David - and I'm not alone in thinking this. I have a friend who once lived opposite him in Primrose Hill. She spent most of her time hanging out of her window with binoculars. There's even a Facebook group called "David Miliband is hot". "Am I the only one that has a crush on our Foreign Secretary?" asks its creator, and the answer is: "No!" A whole 112 other people who have joined this group clearly have crushes on him too. Of course, we have Hillary Clinton to contend with (just who does she think she is?).
"Well, if you saw him it would be a big crush. I mean, he is so vibrant, vital, attractive, smart," she said in an interview last year, perfectly summing him up.
What is it about him? Firstly, there's the fact he calls himself David, and not Dave - he is clearly comfortable enough in his own masculinity not to need to blokeishly shorten his name.
But he has a charming boyishness that appeals to one's maternal side, too. He looks like a softer version of Action Man - he always appears so handsome, even if his only weapon is a banana.
He is assured and confident - when I watched him on Question Time the other week, it was like… well, I'm not going to lie. It was a bit like porn to me.
Alas, my crush on Miliband D is no reflection on how I will vote come May 6. He was not my local MP, unfortunately.
That title belonged to Martin Linton - not a patch on Mr Miliband, I am sure you will agree, and most definitely not a political crush.