Why everything you think you know about dating is wrong, says queen of matchmaking

Of all the riveting things Netflix star Aleeza Ben Shalom said at her live matchmaking event in London last week, this gripped me the most.

At that point in the evening the world’s most famous Jewish matchmaker was in conversation with Hampstead Synagogue’s Rabbi Akiva Rosenblatt at an event that even attracted the Chief Rabbi. Young men in his congregation (and it is invariably men, he said) often came to him with this headache: I love my friend, rabbi, but I’m not attracted to her. What should I do?

The Orthodox shadchan’s advice to him, and the 476 people lining the pews of his synagogue, was unequivocal. “Tell them that a pretty face will only get them so far, but that no one ever gets tired of how someone makes them feel. People want to find everything they want in a person from the get-go – and it is ridiculous.”

Ben Shalom thinks many of the notions we harbour about dating are ridiculous and she is quite determined to set us right. For this is a woman who is clear about her life’s work: to help us fall in love with each other and wend our way to the chupah. This is a woman on a Jewish continuity mission.

Aleeza Ben Shalom (Photo: Gary Manhine)[Missing Credit]Aleeza with Rabbi Akiva Rosenblatt (Photo: Gary Manhine)[Missing Credit]Be fruitful and multiply: Chief Rabbi Sir Ephraim Mirvis at the live matchmaking event at Hampstead Synagogue (Photo: Gary Manhine)[Missing Credit]

In a far smaller way, I am on the same mission: I run the JC’s Blind Date column. I didn’t go to shul last Sunday because I am looking for a partner. I went because I wanted to learn from the queen of Jewish matchmaking. And every day, it turned out, is a shul day.

Here’s what I learnt from the veteran shadchan. Not only can you grow to fancy someone you don’t initially covet, the reverse is also true. However much you desire the person in front of you, if you don’t genuinely like them, forget it. Any relationship is dead in the water. Or as Aleeza put it: “If they’re not a fabulous person nothing else matters.”

Plus, having “the person in front of you” is crucial. In this age of online romance and dating apps, it is easy for the photograph to hold sway. Do not allow this, said Aleeza, who believes passionately that when it comes to finding our soul mate we need to put in the work and actually meet people. And once you have met someone, meet them for a second, a third, a fourth and, yes, fifth time. Not for nothing is this shadchan’s mantra: date ‘em until you hate ‘em.

And if even if you do not, Baruch Hashem, hate your date, do not even think of laying your hands on them. “Take physical touch out of the equation for as long as possible,” said Aleeza. “If you can’t manage five dates with no touching, do four, or even three. And if you can’t manage two dates, go and see a therapist.” At which point the room erupted in laughter, of course.

If this all sounds like rather a lot of work, that’s kind of the point. There is someone out there for you, but you need to really look for them. You should also accept you likely have significant others, rather than one significant other.

A lot of people, including until now me, misunderstand the Talmudic concept of beshert, one’s destined mate. Having a beshert doesn’t mean you will love this person at first sight, it doesn’t mean you won’t argue when you are married, and it also doesn’t mean you won’t get divorced. Equally, you can marry more than one person, or marry the wrong person, or not get married at all.

But as established, Aleeza very much hopes you will get married and if the work this entails really does feel overwhelming, she has a plan of attack. Last Sunday was also the UK launch of her Jewish Matchmaking Movement, her dream of turning us all into matchmakers. As she said to this newspaper last month: “If I train one, or ten, or a thousand people, think how many more people they can help find a spouse than I can on my own.” And as she said on the night: “All you need to be a matchmaker is a big heart and three reasons why two people could be a decent match. These reasons should not include they are both single and live in the same city.”

That evening it was the job of we 476 newly hatched matchmakers to catch Amber, 25, and George, 29, a catch. Aleeza invited the pair on stage and extracted some juicy facts about their likes, loves and hates. (Her: “I love Charles II and I am an overthinker.” Him: “I deal with conflict by telling the other person what I agree with. I don’t like Netflix.”) And then it was over to us for shidduch suggestions. But not before Aleeza quipped that George clearly hadn’t enjoyed her Netflix series Jewish Matchmaking, had he?

I did enjoy the reality television show and it was great to see the American shadchan, who now lives in Israel, in London Town. Now, sign up for a JC Blind Date so I can put her pearls to the test. I promise I won’t match you with someone on the basis that you are both single and live in the same city.