One cruel mother, two pushy parents - The Jewish Chronicle

Q I am desperate. I have long been abused by my mother, both physically and mentally. My siblings have been treated very differently, and do not wish to be involved in my problematic relationship. My mother is extremely manipulative and always lied to my recently deceased father about me. She played him off against me.

Since his passing — he told me on his death-bed that he regretted having “neglected” me — my mother has turned my siblings and others against me, telling them that I ignore her and that I am nasty to her — both lies. She pretends to be kind if she wants to impress someone, otherwise she is totally cold and nasty. My father’s stone-setting is coming up and I don’t know how I’ll get through the day.

I am very happily married with wonderful children who hurt to see me in such agony. I have had a lot of counselling over the years and have been told that my mother is narcissistic. Please help.

A My heart sank when I read your letter because I know that I can’t really help you. Not because I don’t want to, but because when it comes to narcissists there is no solution. They are — like your mother — vain, manipulative, often cruel, and lacking in both self-awareness and empathy. Relationships with narcissists are always toxic and destructive, and they don’t — and possibly can’t — change (certainly, not if they do not wish to). So, if the narcissist hurting you was a partner or a friend or a work colleague, I would simply say walk — nay, run — away as fast as you can. But that is not so easy to do when the narcissist in your life is your mother.
You ask how to get through the stone setting. I can’t pretend it won’t be an ordeal but, with the support of your loving husband, who knows the score, it will be OK. Surviving is about putting on a mask of calm and going through the motions. Do and say the right things, smile sweetly, act normally and neither confront nor ignore your mother. She wants a reaction from you, so don’t give her the satisfaction. Just focus on the formalities and thinking of your late father, who was also her victim.
As for the long term, you will never be able to have a normal, fulfilling relationship with her, so it might be wise to resume the counselling and break off contact, at least for a while. You cannot stop her spreading her poison but be assured that, like your late father, everyone, ultimately, will see her true colours.
Narcissists are rarely happy people. You, on the other hand, say you are very happily married with wonderful children. Take comfort in the fact that you have achieved this in spite of your mother. It is probably why she targets you.