Q I am 52 years old and was adopted by a Jewish family as a newborn baby. My adoptive parents both passed away some years ago. I made contact with my Jewish birth mother 24 years ago and we have a good relationship. She was only 16 when she became pregnant and the father was unaware of this. Now I would like to make contact with my birth father. He would be in his late 60s early 70s, I know his name and that he was a member of the West London and Hammersmith Jewish community back in the 1960s. Can you help me and how would you suggest I proceed?
A Your desire to make contact with your father - to find out who exactly you are and where you come from - is completely understandable. It's interesting that you want to track him down now, so many years after you found your birth mother. Is it because you're getting older and you are afraid that you're running out of time? Or is it because you have only just learned his name?
It's really important to think about what you want to get out of this and to prepare yourself for all eventualities.
Although you have a good relationship with your birth mother, the same might not be true for your birth father. Presumably, she always wanted to meet you; he doesn't even know you exist.
Things might not work out as you expect, which could be devastating for everyone involved. He might not want a relationship with you, which would almost certainly feel like a massive rejection. Or he might not be able to cope with the news that he has a 52-year-old son whose conception was kept from him.
You also need to consider the possibility that he may be in poor health, or, hard as it must be to contemplate, no longer alive.
Think also of the impact of this on other people. Is your birth mother supportive of your desire to reconnect with your birth father? If not, doing so could wreck the relationship you have built.
Have you discussed how she might feel if your birth father - the boy who unknowingly got her pregnant 52 years ago - wants to be part of your life? What if he is angry with her because she didn't tell him about her pregnancy? What if he wants to reconnect with her now? Could she cope with this?
There are also wider implications for him, if he has a partner and family, even for his standing within the community. You may have half-siblings, nieces and nephews you are unaware of, and who have no idea of your existence. They, too, will be affected.
I am not trying to put you off looking for your father, merely urging caution and making sure that you're aware of all the possible outcomes and potential pitfalls of this process. And while there is nothing to stop you seeking him yourself - after all, you have his name, approximate age, a former location and access to the internet -- I feel it would be wise for you to track him down with the help of professional agencies who can advise you and give you both practical and emotional support.
A first step might be to contact the adoption agency that arranged your adoption all those years ago. (Presumably you did this when you found your birth mother?) Norwood, the Jewish charity which for many years worked with adoptees, has now merged its adoption services with the children's charity Coram BAAF. This organisation runs the "Adoption Search Reunion" website, which advises on all aspects of the adoption search and reunion process, from both sides, and contains comprehensive information, advice and sources of support. See: www.adoptionserachreunion.org.uk
The Salvation Army runs a countrywide tracing service for missing relatives. See wwwsalvationarmy.org.uk or telephone the Tracing Service on: 0845 634 4747.
Finally, it's vital that you have support from people who care for you at this time, whether they are relatives or friends, or even your rabbi. Let them know your plans and talk to them about your feelings, so they can help you throughout your journey.
If at any point you'd like to discuss this situation with someone outside your immediate circle, Supportline (www.supportline.org.uk), a confidential telephone helpline providing emotional support to any person on any issue, can be reached on 01708 765200. Whatever the outcome of your search, I wish you luck and happiness.
Contact Hilary via email at agony@thejc.com, anonymously or not. Or write to her at 28 St Albans Lane, London NW11 7QE
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