Religious Jewish families across the globe have been horrified since multiple, sordid allegations surfaced about Chaim Walder over the past few weeks. Esteemed children’s author, rabbi, therapist and educator — Walder has become the Jimmy Savile of the Charedi world.
His books were not just entertaining and popular but purported to give a voice to children’s emotions and experiences. He positioned himself as an advocate of children’s rights, their guardian angel, when all the while he was a manipulative predator, preying on the vulnerable and using his power and status to silence his many victims.
In a final act of cowardice, he killed himself, denying his victims closure and justice.
Like many others, we have had sleepless nights feeling for the pain of Walder’s victims, angry about how they have been silenced with abusive power, fear and undeserved shame. We have been devastated when we heard that one victim ended her own life and we have been praying that others receive the support that they need. As a family, we have had difficult and painful conversations with our children, about the distressing downfall of their much-admired role model and about betrayal, manipulation and molestation. We have thought and rethought about how we keep our children safe.
If anyone collaborated with Walder or contributed to his cover-up, they need to be rooted out. But for most of us, engaging in generalised communal finger-pointing, although tempting, does not contribute to any meaningful change. Rather, by thinking and talking about relevant issues we can each make shifts within our own personal and professional contexts, contributing our part to systemic change. My family and I have eked out several lessons from this harrowing episode.
As a family therapist, many parents tell me that they avoid uncomfortable conversations with their children because they want to protect them and don’t want to ruin their innocence. But most of the time, children are much more aware of what is happening than their parents realise. Children listen, observe and interpret. If they are not informed about a situation fully they draw their own conclusions, often imagining far worse than the reality. Evidence shows that age-appropriate explanations empower children to build resilience through the most difficult experiences.
By speaking to our children about painful, confusing situations, however difficult, we demonstrate that we care and want to support them.
I have told my children that we will listen to them and do our best to keep them safe, no matter how prominent, powerful and charismatic a potential abuser might be. We have told them that however an abuser might react, it is never the fault of their victims — that none of an abuser’s behaviour is ever the fault of their victims.
But openness with children is not a one-off event. Openness is an intrinsic feature of a relationship, part of a family atmosphere, a joint expectation that needs to be nurtured and maintained. If children are worried about being judged or misunderstood they are less likely to want to share their concerns with their parents and ask for support. Openness needs thought and hard work to maintain and should be a family’s primary goal. As parents, the question we need to keep asking ourselves is this: if our child was approached inappropriately or sent photos possibly as part of an interaction that we had instructed them to avoid, would they be able to reach out to us and speak about it? If the answer is no, we have work to do.
Family, friends, neighbours and victims of any manipulation and abuse are often tormented by questions. They think about what they could have noticed earlier and done differently. We can all look back, retrace our steps and pinpoint with deep regret the painful lessons. Change needs to be addressed at every level. But feelings of shame and guilt should be left squarely and exclusively at the feet of the perpetrator.
Rabbi Shraga Feivel Zimmerman, Rabbi of the Federation of Synagogues, has been emphatic that reporting an abuser to the authorities is a religious obligation. He described Walder’s suicide as nothing more than the staged theatrics of a narcissist who evades accountability, blaming those around them for their own violations.
A generation of religious Jewish children have been strung along by Walder’s twisted claims of self-aggrandisement.
We can all use this horrendous episode to encourage more open conversations with those we love, to rethink our safeguarding strategies and to do our due diligence when seeking help from professionals. As a community we need to be clear: the shame and guilt of sexual abuse belongs only with the abuser.
Chana Hughes is the Rebbetzin of Radlett United synagogue and a family therapist
