Ian Tussie has earned celebrity status in the MGBSFL since taking charge at Oakwood B.
He landed a bombshell on his squad a few weeks ago when he announced that he will step down at the end of the season.
Tussie has lit up my weekly MGBSFL previews and reviews with his quotes, so without further ado, here are my favourites.
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"“We go into the game on the back of a great pre-season in which the boys had some fantastic holidays. Adam Blin had a week camping up in Kilmarnock, Mark Abrams took his girlfriend caravanning in Winnersh, Eric Lewis 'found himself' at T in the Park and Dave Eden spent a week at the all-you-can-eat buffet in Las Vegas. All in all the boys have come back in shape - unfortunately that shape is very round!
“The positive from the summer was the acquisition of some new footballs. I got a great deal at Lilywhites, 8 Champions League replica balls for £64, genuinely one of the bargains of the summer.
“Anyway, Sunday, tough game against a good team, one of the few teams in our league that I know anything about. They beat us 4-0 in last year's Morrison and it was like Cheder for some of the lads to be honest. I think Sunday will be very hard for us and more than anything I'm looking for a performance from my lot.”
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"It's going to be a tough one for both teams due to the small matter of Yom Kippur the day before. It's always hard to rehydrate properly after a fast. Our club doctor Dan Broman has recommended we all drink milk and water in equal proportions on Saturday night to rehydrate fully and we'll be carrying out a Dulux colour chart test on the players' urine on Sunday morning to separate the hydrate from the sidrate.
"We go into the game without a few players as always. Ben Polak and Marc Conway are away at a Football League Trivia conference in Taplow, Adam Blin's ankle injury has ruled him out and Marc Hymanson is away. David Epstein is out with shirkitis. Vic Librae's lobotomy has been postponed for another week freeing him up to play.”
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“Sunday gone was as bad as we've played since I've came into this job and we need to be putting things right what went wrong. Basics like putting your shirt on the right way round, not wearing your shorts inside-out, remembering to use the toilet before the game - if we can do that right this Sunday it'll be a step in the right direction.
“I'm still very optimistic for the season and as Dolly Parton said, "if you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain". And people say she's just got a big rack!
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“So we're playing London Haroldeans at the weekend - a team made up largely of ex-pats from the north ...what a pathetic idea, it'll never catch on.
“This is our derby. This is Dundee vs Dundee United. This is Rosenborg vs Molde. This is Porto vs Boavista. This is Spartak vs Zenit. This is Valencia vs Levante. This is Dynamo Kyiv vs Shakhtar. This is Banfield vs Lanus. This is South Manchester vs Manchester Ma***bi.
“Collectively we know a few of the players at Haroldeans, in particular J* (James Abrams), the scorer of the biggest goal in the history of Oakwood (the winner in the semi-final of the James Morrison 2012). I was devastated when J* left the club, I'd just bought the new Oakwood away kit with J Abrams 10 on the back - I pleaded with the club not to let him leave.
“Despite the off-field friendliness, there are some issues we have with Haroldeans as I know 4-1 that they did 'tap up' a number of my players in the summer which I was furious about. I'm more annoyed however that they didn't approach Dave Esptein. I even sent them his number (mobile and landline) and his email address, but they didn't seem bothered by him and were particularly scathing about him to me.
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“We're up against Faithold B on Sunday at home. Another home fixture. Although it doesn't feel like home yet. I feel a bit Jean Tigana did at Fulham when they were playing at Loftus Road for a few years. The fans aren't happy, they feel like Coventry City fans having to trek 45 miles to watch us play. I just hope the chairman and CEO can resolve the issues with Parmiters for us to make a return to our real 'home' for next season.
“We're without a few but with a few more including Haydon Davidson who has relocated his previously dislocated toe and is fit to play. We hope to have a new signing playing too, but we haven't announced it to the press so it would be wrong for me to do it on here - his name is Joey Lazare.
“We also hope to Eddie Manson available to make his first start since his knee injury and there's Rumours (my second favourite Fleetwood Mac album) that Vic Librae will return having been dropped last week for his awful haircut!”
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“It's been a hard week for the club. We're in dispute with our kit providers who still haven't sent us our away kit (mauve with a tangerine sash and trim, tangerine shorts and lime stockings) as they said we're 'not fit to wear the kit'. As such I had to go kippah-in-hand to Nick at Bizzard and ask if they would mind wearing their away kit to avoid a potential kit clash. Thankfully he agreed to - real mensch.”
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It’s been a tough week for the club with our ex-manager Johnny Beilin releasing his autobiography (ghost written by Gary Bloch).
“I thought the timing was all wrong from him too, there was no need to drag up the past, the stories about Dave Epstein's tantrums and his regular transfer requests, tales of Club Captain Adam Levine turning up half cut on a Sunday, accusing Dan Geey of only passing to his bro Matt during games - it's all a bit crass for me and just an excuse to sell a book before Chanukah.
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away to Faithfold A in the Cyril Anekstein cup. I read Cyril's autobiography "In it to win it" whilst on holiday in Lanzarote last Succot and it has inspired me ahead of this Sundays game against Faithfold A.
“I'm currently advertising for a new player for Sunday on Teletext. Roy Essandoh replied and is keen to play and his lineage is currently under review with the league. Apparently he once made friends with a Masorti Jew when he was doing a charity walk for the RSPCA in Wycombe which is good enough for me!”
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“Bilbaum's ground is amazing with its steep tiers and raucous atmosphere. I can't wait. I remember visiting once on a family holiday to London in 1991 to see Bilbaum beat Bayern Jewnich B (since gone into liquidation) 2-1 and I'll never forget the crowd when local hero Mordechai Goldbergstein nabbed a late winner. Wow.
“Anyway yes, Sunday, what a big test this will be. We know they will play one way, their short passing game - it's their philosophy and I respect it. We have a game-plan which we will look to carry out. The game being on 3G is an issue as it means old our friends 'mud' and 'bath' won't play a part but we will give it our all nonetheless.
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“My deal ends this season and I have confirmed with the Chairman and Chief Executive that I won’t be renewing. The fall-out from last season’s bonus scandal left the taste of maror in my mouth and my differences with Blank and Schock are irreconcilable.
“I’ve got a decent squad available for Sunday with stellar new signing Dan Selwyn due to make his debut. He’s got a wand of a left foot and can open a tin of beans (and other tinned goods).”
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“In terms of new signings we are definitely in the market. I went kippah in hand to the board and had a full and frank with Schock and Blank during the Chanukah break and made it clear the positions I am looking for in the window. We don't need much but I've got my eye on a mediapunta, a trequartista and a deep-lying playmaker. We want a non-scoring striker and a goal-scoring centre half, a ball-playing sweeper and a pair of inverted wingers. Maybe a midfield destroyer and a false nine. I'd like what Paul Lambert would refer to as a number 10.
“What we'll end up with? Probably re-signing previous absent-with-leave, much-maligned 1-goal-in-10-years oft-sub Dave Epstein who is renegotiating his return to the club following his release in August. The club is also in the process of hiring a new assistant to the manager although I've been assured this isn't the Rene Meulensteen to my Martin Jol and that my position is not in any way under threat.
“We have a strong squad available with two of our stars from last season available again - Heavy Rain (DMC) and Boggy Pitch (CM).”
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Yes, away to AC Mill Hill, a derby of sorts although not officially recognised as one. Due to recent crowd trouble at Chase Lodge, where the Milanese Ultras were last seen throwing white yamulkehs at the referee in protest against a challenge on star striker Ben Zloof that the ref didn’t award a free kick for, the game has been moved to Hatfield 3G and will be played behind closed doors, surrounded by a metal fence that’s just too low to stop stray shots and will inevitably cost both teams at least three balls each.
“We’ve had a good week in the transfer market. We signed Jonathan Pressman who made his debut last week against Raiders. We signed JP because he’s tall and loud. He’s a fighter and that’s what we need - a bit of fight to help us with the fight we’re fighting in. We’re also in talks to sign 80’s heart-throb and one-time-guitarist Cyril (one-named like Aldair) who will give us another option although we’re not clear what that option is yet.
“We remain very active in the market and will be up later on January 31 trying to sign players and we’re looking for the calibre of player who will roll up their sleeves (not literally of course, it’s freezing!) and get stuck into a relegation dog-fight.
“The club has also announced this week the appointment of Ben Polak who has become Conditioning and Tactics Coach and assistant to the manager. It’s a broad role but one that Ben is perfect for. He’s a good egg is Ben and has an encyclopaedic knowledge of football and once read Inverting the Pyramid whilst on a train to Richmond where he was doing pro bono legal work. He is currently undergoing media training sessions with the club to help with his eye contact and will be ready to speak to the press from next week.
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“We’re working hard to get in some more players, but we’re struggling. We had a yes from Abraham Copperberg, but at the 11th hour a team from Division Three, backed by the owners of Delisserie and with significant financial clout, offered him more money to join their ‘project’ and we lost out. Then there was another player who had been training with us for a few weeks and had been set to sign a short-term deal, but failed a medical (an overweight issue we hadn’t noticed in training) and so we pulled the plug. On Monday we had a bid accepted for Moshe Cohen, but he refused to adhere to club policy and cut his payot and so we had to back out of that one too - like when Passarella refused to pick Redondo in WC98.”
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“We’re at Chase Lodge which has been known to cancel games at the drop of a hat. I heard a rumour that a game was once postponed after a player, desperate to relieve his bladder after having drunk a one litre bottle of water and a Lucozade Sport Lite prior to kick-off, urinated in the bushes next to the pitches. The groundsman was apoplectic with rage and cancelled all games due to a waterlogged bush. It was quite a scene. All five games were called off at once leading to an almighty crush in the car park where cars struggled to get away cleanly.”
