I grew up in London with parents who, while proud of being Jewish, weren't religious. I was in my late 20s and very independent (I'd already moved out of home, something "nice Jewish girls" didn't do in the 1970s) when, at a Jewish charity function, a mutual friend introduced me to the man who would become my husband.
He came from a more religious background than me and was a gentle, caring person. We enjoyed the same things, like cinema, travelling and listening to music. The first gig he took me to was ELO at Wembley.
Nine months after we met, we went on holiday together and got engaged. We married a year later. I knew a lot of gay men because I worked in the rag trade at the time, and I had absolutely no suspicions about him. We had a normal, if intermittent, sexual relationship, which dwindled after we had children, but I believe that's very common. It was generally a good marriage and we were happy for the majority of it. We had a close circle of friends, mainly Jewish ones, and would entertain each other and go on holiday together.
Of course there were some bad times too, such as when he was made redundant, but we got through them.
After 25 years of marriage, we had stopped communicating, and I suggested that we go to Relate together. During one session, my husband confessed that, while at university, he'd had sex with another man, but it had meant nothing. Stupidly, I put it down to "experimentation" and thought no more of it. He agreed he wanted our marriage to work so we began to do more things together, like playing bridge, and we bought a home to renovate as part of our retirement plan. But within a year of the Relate counselling, he had become emotionally distant again.
I was utterly shocked, I'd been taken for a fool
Eventually, I met someone else. I had no intention of breaking our marriage up as I still loved my husband, but this other man gave me emotionally what was missing in my marriage. When I confessed, my husband's reaction was totally unexpected. He was relieved! He told me he was bisexual - he later admitted he was gay - and had been in a sexual relationship with his "friend" for some years. In effect, he'd 'left' me emotionally and physically many years before we split.
It was the worst day of my life and I don't think I will ever recover. I was utterly shocked and felt embarrassed, that I'd been taken for a fool. When gay people come out, they are lauded for being brave. Nobody appreciates the devastation they can leave behind. My deceitful husband was praised, while I was left alone, without support. People reacted with horror. "How could you not know,"they'd say.
Looking back, there were red flags, but I ignored or didn't notice them. He hadn't had any proper girlfriends before me, for example. I had also been suspicious that he was secretly looking at porn, but I never imagined it might be gay porn.
And I remember that when Brokeback Mountain (about a gay relationship between two married men) came out, he refused point blank to come to see it with me or to watch it on TV. I guess it was much too close to home for him.
After he came out, I discovered that some friends, whose gaydar was better than mine, did suspect. Some members of his family admitted that they had also suspected. No one thought to say a word to me.
Our children, by then in their 20s, were devastated, too. They questioned who their father was, whether they knew him at all. I was angry but, unlike one of my children, I didn't throw plates.I needed the eventual divorce to be amicable and I tried to be strong for the kids. The result was a massive depressive state for which I still need treatment today.
I have lived half my adult life in someone else's closet, as his "beard", and these are years that I can never get back. The children are the only good things to have come from our marriage. My husband lied to himself all his life and to me for 30 years, making a mockery of our vows. I have no idea what his justification was for marrying me. I think he probably wanted to convince himself that he wasn't gay, like most gay men who marry straight women.
I don't blame the Jewish community for making him live a lie, even though his religious background must have been a factor. My anger is directed solely at him. He's still with his male partner today. We communicate occasionally but we are not friends. I need to trust my friends and he has proven himself to be utterly untrustworthy.
One of our children still doesn't have a relationship with him. We have grandchildren now, but visit them separately. Each time I leave them, I drive home in tears because I always thought we would enjoy our grandchildren together. We had made a lot of plans for our retirement, which will never be fulfilled.
But I would never marry again. Marriage for me was for life, for better or worse, although there is no way I could have stayed with my husband under the circumstances. I do have a partner, but we maintain independent homes. I'm not sure I could truly trust a man again.
For any gay man reading this who is contemplating marrying a straight woman because the community says you should, or because you believe that your feelings for men will change if you marry, just don't do it. Please don't do it. It will only cause utter heartbreak and ruin families.
Read Hilary's original column here
