Journalist Paul Morgan-Bentley never expected his path to parenthood to be a conventional one.

Born into a modern Orthodox home in Hendon, the former Independent Jewish Day School and Hasmonean boys’ student spent his teenage years agonising over how being gay might impact his ability to have a family.

"As I was coming to terms with being gay, I remember a mourning period,” says the 37-year-old, who is now Head of Investigations at The Times newspaper.

“I can picture myself sitting on my bed, devastated at the thought of not having a family of my own in some form. I remember questioning whether I could fake it enough to have a family, worrying whether it would be fair on the woman, would it be fair on me?”

He adds: “At the time gay marriage was not legal, you still can’t get married as a gay man in an Orthodox Jewish way. I would go and have a nice time at weddings or celebrate as people had babies; but deep down I wanted a family of my own. I did not know how it would happen.”

In 2014 he met 35-year-old Robin, an author who came from a traditional Jewish home in Elstree. Three years later, they were married. Early into their relationship, they discussed how they could become parents.

The Equal Parent Final

Paul's book

Whilst they considered adoption, the couple decided to try for a child through surrogacy after learning that in the UK, “surrogacy is very altruistic”. He explains: “A woman cannot earn money for being a surrogate, but any expenses like maternity clothes or medical costs are covered by us.”

After contacting the SurrogacyUK organisation, the couple spent six months travelling across the country to meet potential surrogates at networking events from Bath to Liverpool.

“We were just hoping we could some day have our own family,” he recalls. Eventually, they met their surrogate Rachel and her husband James.

“We were lucky, some couples spend years trying to meet a surrogate that they connect with.” Using an egg donor, she carried their son Solly, who turns three years old this month.

Throughout the pregnancy, Morgan-Bentley says he was so excited at the prospect of becoming a father, that he did not dwell on societal expectations around parenting.

“We did get some comments around the 12-week scan,” he says. “I was so excited to get to this point, but the same question kept coming up: ‘Who is the dad going to be?’ I answered that we would both be the dad. Robin and I strongly felt that it was not about genetics.

"When some people really pushed, I would answer in a straightforward way: I told them the baby would be genetically related to Robin.”

As well as attending medical appointments, the couple were there for the birth. He recalls feeling “overwhelmed and crying” as Solly was born.

He cut the cord and took it in turns with Robin to have skin-to-skin contact. “I can still picture holding Solly to my chest. He had this hilarious bobble hat on that was too small for his head.”

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Paul Morgan-Bentley

As their son was born over the pandemic, the couple were initially shielded from social prejudices. “I remember feeling quite guilty, because the world around us was changing but we had this amazing alone-time together,” he says.

“I always loved growing up in a close community, but it can come with a lot of pressure and people feeling compelled to come and hold the baby.”

But one evening the different expectations placed on mothers and fathers hit home. Cuddling Solly after a late-night feed, Morgan-Bentley scrolled down his phone for advice for fathers on a NHS website. What he found, irritated him.

“The pages for new dads were so patronising,” he says. “It frustrated me so much. It fed into a narrative that dads are useless at home.”

As restrictions lifted, the couple were constantly reminded of the absence of a mother figure. Hospital records and doctor surgeries still listed Rachel as Solly’s parent.

At local cafés and pubs, he found the nappy-changing tables were often in the women’s toilets. “I had to think about whether I should change Solly in the pub or go to the women’s toilets. I used to just knock on the door and make it clear that I was a man with a baby, and hope that no one thought I was a pervert.”

The more people he spoke to, the clearer the issue became.

“Nurseries tend to always call the mum if the child is ill, even if she works like the dad. It’s the same with doctor surgeries. Even health visitors are concerned with the wellbeing of the baby and the mum, not the dad as a parent.”

And so, award-winning journalist Morgan-Bentley decided to write his book: The Equal Parent, which is published this week.

The book is a clear call for individuals, professionals, and society to do more to encourage fathers to “step up”.

With a personal perspective and study-led approach, the book says fathers can develop bonds and responsive reactions as strong as a mother’s — if they spend enough time with their babies.

solly and surrogate familoy

Solly and the surrogate family

While progress has been made, when it comes to parenting, Morgan-Bentley says women are still expected to do the heavy lifting.

“Today things are different from previous generations,” he says. “The idea of a one-parent working family, where a dad goes to work while the mum is at home, doesn’t work anymore. The finances don’t allow for it.

“Beyond that, we quite rightly live in a world where women are seen as equals. Women do brilliantly at school and university, they have careers before they have children, and they excel at them. They are expected to work as hard and earn as much as men, but they ultimately do the bulk of parenting too.

He sees it as a new problem for his generation. “The women around me are not able to quit their careers to be a full-time parent, so they are just doing a lot more.

"The societal pressures are so strong, that even when women earn more than their male partners, they often do more at home. That’s how deeply ingrained these things are. Either we must continue to put up with that inequality at home or adapt.”

Though Morgan-Bentley is calling for equal responsibility between the sexes, he is clear to stress that “my book is not about men and women being ‘the same’”. Recognising the differences when it comes to pregnancy, birth, postpartum hormones, and breastfeeding, he says: “When I talk about ‘equality’, I mean ‘equal responsibility’.” He gives some examples: “After a woman gives birth, the man should not be sent home by the midwives to ‘rest’.

"He should not be treated like a visitor, to come back during visiting hours. That is when he should step up and change some nappies.

"The idea that a dad goes back to work after only two weeks of paternity leave, is insane to me,” adds Morgan-Bentley, who shared parental leave with his husband.

He’s an advocate of shared parental leave. “Mums become experts with babies quite quickly because they are around them more, whereas dads go back to work and don’t have as much confidence,” he says.

“The science shows that dads are much happier when they are involved in the childcare, the kids do better, and the mums are happier with the split of responsibility. Men should be taught and trusted to bathe, swaddle or change nappies. Women do not have a unique biological ability to purée carrots.”

Now based in Buckinghamshire, Morgan-Bentley, a member of The Ark (Northwood and Pinner Liberal Synagogue), has reflected on his upbringing. As one of four children, he was raised in a traditional unit as his mother, a part-time Holocaust educator, took care of the children and the home while his father was responsible for the finances.

“My dad was busy during the week, but Shabbat was a real blessing because it would force him to switch off. It was really good on-on-one time,” he says.

“I hope my dad won’t mind me saying this, but my mum was much more academic than him,” he laughs.

“It’s been really interesting speaking to them about this, because they understand that the generation has changed. I can’t imagine they would have made the same decisions today.”

‘The Equal Parent’ by Paul Morgan-Bentley is published this week by Thread