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Mrs Cohen's diary: Whatevs, Dave, just chillax about the Israelis

    * Anguished call from Dave Cameron this week. Apparently the Israelis were driving him bonkers. First, his trip to Israel is on, then there’s a strike, then the strike is off, then the civil servants are warning Bibi that if he meets and greets the Cams while the strike is on they’ll send him to the Israeli version of Coventry (Hadera perhaps?). “Dave,” I said, “just put Sam on”. So she and I had a lovely chat and I mentioned that Dave needs to step up the meditation and yoga ahead of the trip because otherwise he is going to have a nervous breakdown even before he gets to airport security. Sam was across it. She told me: “Dave has been sooo stressed about this trip. But I told him, Babe, whatevs, if you can deal with Boris, this should be a picnic.” Such a sensible girl.

    * I was all dressed up for my big night out at the CST dinner but by the end of the evening I was a nervous wreck. The speeches were interminable. There was Ed Miliband going on about how he’s never felt closer to the Jews now there’s an election in the offing (I’m paraphrasing), then just about everyone else in the room stands up to speak. The saving grace was top cop Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe (the Met’s Commissioner of Police) who was down to toast the Queen and did just that with no need for a 15-minute monologue beforehand — if only Daniel Taub, the Israeli ambassador, had followed his lead. Upshot was that when it was my turn to say a few words, some suit comes up to me and says: “I’m so sorry Mrs C, we’ve completely run out of time.” I pleaded with him — said I could cut it down to half-an-hour. Anyway, he promises I’ll be the keynote speaker next year. We’ll see.

    * Talking of the CST dinner, who should I see there but comedian, writer and footie pundit David Baddiel. He seems to be turning up at lots of community things recently — someone saw him at JW3 a while back, too — and he does have an impressive beard. Could it be a coincidence that he is on this big Jewish charm offensive while there is a vacancy for chief executive at the Board of Deps? You heard it here first.

    * Simon Cowell has been majorly stressed, what with the nappy-changing business and having to find a replacement for Gary Barlow on X Factor — the waistband has been creeping back up, which is always a bad sign with him. So, over a cocktail the other day, I happened to suggest that perhaps Cheryl C might have relented now all the fuss has died down over the American X Factor disaster. Well, his little face lit up.
    So nice to be able to help out in times of national crisis.

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