Julie Burchill

Don't don that niqab, Madge

By Julie Burchill, October 23, 2013

On hearing that Madonna is reading the Koran, and might be converting from Kabbalism to Islam, I must admit that my first reaction was not sorrow or outrage but rather a bone-deep weariness.

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Same enemy, different dress

By Julie Burchill, October 3, 2013

There are lots of agreeable things about making your living as a writer from a young age. For instance, you never have to work a day in your life, as the saying goes about doing something you love.

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Why you are stuck with me

By Julie Burchill, November 1, 2012

Jewish Mum of the Year, my friends have been reminding me for weeks. “I bet you’ll be watching THAT! And Jews At Ten! And Friday Night Dinner! And that one where he marries a Jewish girl and takes her up North — Hebburn!”

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A word about why you matter

By Julie Burchill, March 16, 2012

Whatever a broad's personal views on the bodacious President Barack Obama ­- not so much "yes, we can," as "yes, we so would" - his position on Israel makes him a source of suspicion to quite a few of my Zionist cohorts, who find his support for Israel to be about as enthusiastic as that displayed by a stoned sloth on its way to the dentist.

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Drew, our Jewish wedding singer

By Julie Burchill, February 3, 2012

So Drew Barrymore may be converting to Judaism. Perhaps when she marries art consultant Will Kopelman in a traditional Jewish ceremony later this year, Adam Sandler will be the best man and seafood will be noticeable by its absence at the bridal buffet.

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Sex for family viewing

By Julie Burchill, January 12, 2012

The Jewish people generally have such a talent and a liking for sex, and yet, from the desert to the Pale, have had to follow so many rules and regulations about when and how they could have it. So it was inevitable that, when they finally got to create their own secular empire, they might get a bit carried away.

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Between a shul and a hard place

By Julie Burchill, December 29, 2011

My December 24 horoscope, as foretold by Claire Petulengro in the Brighton Argus, read as follows: "Make sure you're mixing with the right crowds this Christmas Eve or you are going to end up getting yourself a reputation. Could it be that you're looking to get a reaction?

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A magnificent land full of memory lanes

By Julie Burchill, January 6, 2011

I always love the feeling of voluntary solidarity with Israel which I experience when going through security with El Al. When the young man or woman says "There is a reason I am asking you these questions", tears spring to my eyes and I really have to stop myself from blurting "I know. I know it all. My life for you, Israel!" in case they think I'm a loony and stop me from boarding.

But this time I had been mucked about so much by the Fattal Hotel chain PR, that my brain was experiencing turbulence before I even set foot on the plane.

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My loyalties won't fade away

By Julie Burchill, December 22, 2010

This will be my last JC column for a year or so as I feel I have said all I can say for the time being about my abiding affection and reverence for the Chosen, both here and in their beautiful homeland.

You should know that the reason I'm stepping away for a while has nothing to do with the hysterical levels of abuse that greet any Gentile who expresses support for Israel; on the contrary, I very much enjoy a bit of a verbal scrap.

But don't get me wrong, my admiration for the Jews and Israel came first; the nasty name-calling is just a side benefit.

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Dan

By Julie Burchill, November 11, 2010

No matter how hot the weather - and when I was last in Israel last month it was well into the nineties - or how wearying the antics of other Israeli hotel chains, the minute one steps into a Dan Hotel, everything feels cool, calm, collected.

My favourite is the Dan Tel Aviv, where I've stayed four times now.

As with all the best rendezvous, being there makes you feel excited and tranquil, both at once.

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My new kind of bad language

By Julie Burchill, November 11, 2010

I never much saw the point of learning languages at school. But at the age of 51, I find myself learning Hebrew - along with my equally philosemitic friend Nadia.

Slowly but surely, I have achieved a reading age of two after a whole six months, but I have every intention of sticking at it. And I can't remember, with the exception of my current marriage, ever feeling that way about anything, from stamp-collecting to Sapphism.

It helps that we have a great teacher - Mrs Yael Breuer of Rehovot, Israel, now happily resident in Brighton.

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Unpleasant body language

By Julie Burchill, September 28, 2010

Apparently, the journalist India "Muslims-are-the-new-Jews" Knight has turned down a spa trip to Israel.

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Johnny is not the rotten one

By Julie Burchill, August 19, 2010

I love Israel and I love Rihanna, so imagine my glee earlier this year on seeing a photo of her lying by the exact Tel Aviv swimming pool where I had been lounging just a few days before! I'm less fond of Lady Gaga so I wasn't quite as stoked to see her mooching around the Western Wall. And I can't stand Madonna so I wasn't overjoyed to see her strutting around the Promised Land.

But, hey, every little helps in the war against the half-wits seeking to demonise Israel through the medium of cultural boycott.

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No more Mr (or Ms) Nice Guys

By Julie Burchill, July 8, 2010

It was Harold Wilson who famously said that British socialism owed more to Methodism than Marx. And on learning that the Methodists have joined the lefty herd in attacking Israel, I really did have to wonder if it was the tail that was wagging the dog or the dog that was wagging the tail this time round.

The dog being, in this case, the rabid, snarling cur of antisemitism, its straining leash held lightly in the heavy hand of its walker, anti-Zionism.

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How not to find Jews funny

By Julie Burchill, May 27, 2010

When I was a 12-year-old, redneck kid growing up in the West Country, one of my most prized possessions was a slender paperback called Best Jewish Jokes. Though it's been almost 40 years, I can remember some of the gags till this day:

1. Mrs Cohen is in bed with her lover when Mr Cohen walks in. Mrs Cohen: "Oh no, there's Blabbermouth - now everyone will know!"

2. Mrs Cohen tells Mrs Steinberg: "Don't tell anyone, but I'm having an affair!" Mrs Steinberg: "Mazeltov! Who is doing the catering?"

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Analysis: I went for UKIP because I can't forgive Germany

By Julie Burchill, May 13, 2010

I won't beat around the bush here - finding myself repelled by the three legit parties and of course the BNP, I voted for UKIP because I STILL haven't forgiven the Germans for what they did to your lot. Bear a grudge, moi? Live in the past? Non! I just know what I want.

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Call me 'Miss Understanding'

By Julie Burchill, April 15, 2010

I've always laughed at people who say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but when you take it in the swaggering sunshine of the Eilat seafront (look, Jenny Tonge, even their sunshine swaggers about like it owns the place - which it does) at the incomparable CafeCafe and it features a Cosmopolitan and a bottle of Yarden wine, I'm starting to think they might have something.

I'd already had my five-a-day (Hawaiian Tropic Factor 5 features mango, papaya, guava, avocado and passion fruit) so the way I looked at it, with the cranberry and the grapes, I was well ahead of the game.

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Foolish Jewish masochism

By Julie Burchill, March 4, 2010

When she was pregnant, Gwyneth Paltrow apparently told Jay Leno: "The Jewish part of me is superstitious about talking about it. So when people ask, 'are you going to find out about the sex of the baby?' or 'do you have weird food cravings?' I don't want to answer those questions." Oh, those superstitious and fearful Jews!

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Tedious trade union turncoats

By Julie Burchill, January 21, 2010

One of my dearest Jewish compadres, the young writer Emma Forrest, once said to me — after observing me simultaneously talking to my cat, reading Heat magazine, drinking a blue cocktail at noon and watching the live streaming of Big Brother — “Wow, you really are a goy, aren’t you?”

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My quest for the one true faith

By Julie Burchill, December 9, 2009

Earlier this year, I did something I had dreamed of since I was a child growing up in the very gentile English West Country; I attended a synagogue. After a few months, I stopped. It wasn’t them, it was me.

When I decided a few years ago that I wanted to put something back after having such a gorgeous, fun life for so long, my first thought was volunteering, which I did. This in turn led me to wonder why Christians carry out so much of the voluntary work in this country — a whopping 80 per cent.

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