Melchett Mike

The lesson of 9/11: Don’t dare upset the Muslims

By Melchett Mike, September 11, 2010

I keep finding myself, as of late, trying to imagine table talk about world goings-on at an average Muslim family living in Britain. For some reason, the imagined table always seems to be in West Bromwich, in the West Midlands. And I always picture the family members laughing like hell into their mango lassis.


Blowin' in the Washington Wind

By Melchett Mike, September 2, 2010

So, the peace talks are under way. But don’t hold your breath . . .

No one in Israel – not even his inner cabinet, by all accounts – has a clue what Benjamin Netanyahu will offer the Palestinians. Nor about his red lines.

Mahmoud Abbas, on the other hand, has a mandate from his family and herd of goats (there is, it is alleged, some overlap). One thing is for sure, however: nothing he agrees with “Bibi” will be accepted by his delightful Islamofascist brethren in Gaza.


I love my old TV: an Israeli populace in dire straits

By Melchett Mike, August 29, 2010

There is something more than a little surreal about going to pick up a gas mask. And I have been putting off the task for some time now, in spite of regular reminders by post and having been sufficiently aware of the possibility of a heavy, sustained attack on Israel – and Tel Aviv especially – to have blogged about it every few months.


Taking the SMS: Avi the Texting Masseur

By Melchett Mike, August 19, 2010

Just when you think that the chutzpah can’t get any worse, the Israeli will usually surprise you . . .

During a massage, last week, in her holiday home in Herzliya Pituach – the hot destination, these days, for British “Deckchair Zionists” – my friend Donna’s blissful indulgence was intermittently disturbed by a faint clicking sound.

She ignored it.

Opening her eyes, however, towards the end of the one-hour session, Donna caught her masseur, Avi, with one hand on her foot and the other typing a text (SMS) message on his mobile phone.


World Trade Center set for suicide bomber memorial

By Melchett Mike, August 12, 2010

From today's Independent . . .

While the controversy over plans to build an Islamic center and mosque just two blocks away from Ground Zero continues, other plans have come to light for a monument to shahids or fedayeen – i.e., suicide bombers and ‘martyrs’ – on the very site of their most dastardly act: the World Trade Center.


Discrimination of a singular kind: A rant

By Melchett Mike, August 9, 2010

As I boarded the vessel, I came under immediate attack.

But, unlike that suffered by IDF naval commandos a couple of months ago, this assault was both innocent and purely verbal. It was, however, no less unwelcome:

"This is Mike. He is 42, and looking for a wife."

This is how my (with) friend(s like these), Donna, introduced me to the several middle-aged women seated with her at the rear of the boat, in Herzliya Pituach marina, last Tuesday afternoon.


If I were a Jewish man: the Arab fiddler on the roof

By Melchett Mike, August 2, 2010

The rape (by deception) conviction, last month, of an East Jerusalem Arab who posed as a love-seeking Jewish bachelor in order to get into the knickers of an Israeli Jewess prompted me to recall some of the more spurious yarns I have spun, over the years, to get my wicked way.

One summer, for instance, on a road trip across the US (during our break from Manchester University), I scored – with a Smiths-obsessed frat girl – with the whopper that Morrissey was our next door neighbour (a claim to fame which left her with no choice).


Time for the Hurndalls to stop their sniping

By Melchett Mike, July 23, 2010

So, Taysir Hayb will be a free man next month. The IDF Sergeant, found guilty of manslaughter after shooting British "peace activist" Tom Hurndall in 2003, is to be released after serving five years of his eight-year sentence.


In the Rudest of Health (The Israeli, Part III)

By Melchett Mike, July 10, 2010

“You’ve got too much to say!”

So North-West London’s most famous French teacher [see] would often chide his loquacious (he preferred “yapping”) pupils.

And not always having to say something – especially if, as my parents would remind me, that “something” is not worth saying – is an English attitude that the Israeli would do well to consider. Indeed, while silence and Jerusalem may both be golden, only one of them is “blue and white” too (for the time being, at least).


Ovadia & Nehemia: Two Ends of the Same Shmekel (Doss vs. Chiloni, Part II)

By Melchett Mike, July 1, 2010

In Doss vs. Chiloni: Two Sides of the Same Shekel, written during a slight down period (with Tel Aviv especially), I expressed my despair at the ultra-Orthodox/secular polarisation of Israeli society and my longing for the mutual tolerance and respect – relative, at least – which I had known in the Jewish community in the UK.


Hasmo Legends XIX: The Return of the Rotter-in-Chief

By Melchett Mike, June 13, 2010

At some point last year, at the height of Hasmo Legends mania, I was contacted by Rabbi David Meyer, the Executive Headteacher of Hasmonean (Boys’ and Girls’). “Dave”, who was in the year above me at Hasmo, was concerned at the damage the series might cause to the careers of the few teachers – in particular, a Bissli-scoffing one whom I had not yet documented – still at the school.


Making us sick: An open letter to a Turkish MP

By Melchett Mike, June 6, 2010

Dear Mr. Kiniklioğlu,

I write in response to your op-ed article, This Israeli Government Has Gone Too Far, in last Wednesday’s International Herald Tribune.

“It makes yer sick . . .” So a dear, late uncle of mine would commence his not infrequent tirades against the hypocrisy and double standards of the international community and media in its treatment of Israel. And, after reading your ill-thought-out piece, I have not been able to get Uncle Stanley’s words out of my head.


Raid on Terrorist Flotilla: Footie Songs Say It Best

By Melchett Mike, June 1, 2010

“No one likes us, no one likes us, no one likes us, we don’t care.
We are Millwall, super Millwall, we are Millwall from the Den.”

Strangely enough, this ostensibly inane football song was reverberating in my head throughout yesterday, as I watched and heard the world reaction to the IDF’s storming of the terrorist flotilla.


Dirty seamen stain Dunkirk weekend

By Melchett Mike, May 30, 2010

“It does exactly what it says on the tin.”

So proclaims an advertising slogan for wood stain, which has entered UK popular culture to describe anything that is exactly as it appears or claims to be.

The slogan could not apply less to the two major nautical events of this weekend: on the one hand, the ceremony marking the anniversary of a sea “evacuation”; and, on the other, the anticipated arrival of the variously named “aid”, “freedom”, “peace”, even “blockade-busting”, flotilla.


Giving too much of a f***: kiosk counselling

By Melchett Mike, May 28, 2010

I took Tali to the kiosk, on Rothschild, for the first time on Sunday morning.

Bringing a new girlie to the kiosk is no less of an ordeal or a statement than introducing her to your mother (not least because wake-up coffee is the clearest indication that you are no longer sleeping only with your dogs).


Sometimes there's a man: Pichotka's simcha

By Melchett Mike, May 18, 2010

“Sometimes there’s a man . . . I won’t say a hero, ’cause what’s a hero? But sometimes there’s a man . . . he’s the man for his time and place. He fits right in there . . . I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that. It’s good knowin’ he’s out there.”

The Stranger, The Big Lebowski (1998)

When I was a boy – or, should I say, were a lad? – my greatest wish was to meet William John Bremner.


The Post Office Nasty

By Melchett Mike, May 4, 2010

Patience – or savlanut, as they call it in these parts – may well be a virtue. But it is most definitely not an Israeli one. And, while the natives are notorious for being incapable of standing in line, inability to queue is only one symptom of their lack of patience.


"Shpichen Sie Hebräisch?" A sticky situation in Ivrit

By Melchett Mike, April 22, 2010

Ivrit, or Hebrew, can be a surprisingly dangerous weapon. And, following some tips on how to handle the natives, the best advice that I could give to a new immigrant to this country would be to make the most of his or her introductory ulpan (Hebrew school). And not in the manner in which I made the most of mine.


England, Your England

By Melchett Mike, April 8, 2010

“Sorry,” he proffered, as he inadvertently passed between me and the bookshelf.

“Bloody hell” I thought, after doing a brief double take, “that would never happen in Steimatzky!”

I had been browsing the Travel Writing section of my favourite bookshop – Waterstone’s (formerly Dillons) on Gower Street – as the impeccably mannered Englishman momentarily obstructed my view. This seemingly insignificant episode, however, resonated with me, demonstrating as it did the huge contrast in attitudes and behaviour between my birthplace and my homeland.


The Israel-only bashers, a case study: Bridlington Gert

By Melchett Mike, March 26, 2010

Note: In view of the appalling case of Belgian paedophile serial killer Marc Dutroux – replete with government cover-ups and allegations reaching as high as the Belgian King – together with evidence that Madeleine McCann was stolen to order for a Belgian paedophile ring, melchett mike will, until further notice, be dedicated to highlighting the plight of Belgian children.