Melchett Mike

New Yids on the Ramat Hasharon Block

By Melchett Mike, March 10, 2011

I have real issues with all things Ramat Hasharon: I don’t care for the place, much less its residents.


Tails of the Unexpected

By Melchett Mike, February 23, 2011

Even as the self-proclaimed "Organ of Anglo-Jewry" (does the JC still call itself that?), I have deemed the following not suitable for direct publication here . . . but just click on the link:


The Witriol Diaries, Part III (Hasmo Legends XXII)

By Melchett Mike, February 13, 2011

Again, I am not going to post this one in full here, but if you are an ex-Hasmo - or merely curious to read the diary of a teacher in the madhouse in the 60s/70s - here is Part III of The Witriol Diaries . . .



PS For the other 21 "Hasmo Legends" (latest on top) - including Parts I and II of the Diaries - go to


From hero to has-been: A cautionary tale

By Melchett Mike, February 6, 2011

At last there was some encouraging news here, last week. And I am not talking about Hosni’s continued refusal to be rattled by a rabble of rowdy Arab rebels. No . . .

Yoav Galant will not, after all, be the new IDF Chief of Staff.


Back on the Chain Gang

By Melchett Mike, January 27, 2011

I recently decided, after a somewhat lengthy lull, to start dating again.

The decision to get back out there was as much about the realization that a next generation of melchetts is unlikely to spring from my domestic bliss with Stuey and Dexxy – who, incidentally, appear to have no problem at all with my staying single – as it was about the discovery (bitter-sweet) that I still had a month remaining on a frozen, and forgotten, subscription to JDate, the international(ly notorious) Jewish dating site.

“I found a picture of you, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh”


My Sporting Greats XI

By Melchett Mike, January 23, 2011

[Off-topic slightly, but a refreshing break from anti-Semites! . . . Having a weakness for lists, I compiled the following in response to an invitation from Haaretz sports writer Jerrold Kessel, in his weekend On the Couch column, for readers' "Dream Teams." Mine was published in Friday's paper . . . replete, needless to say, with p*ss-poor editing – how dare those clowns edit melchett mike!


The Witriol Diaries, Part II (Hasmo Legends XXI)

By Melchett Mike, January 12, 2011

I am not going to post this one in full here, but if you are an ex-Hasmo - or merely curious to read the diary of a teacher at the madhouse in the 60s/70s - here is Part II of The Witriol Diaries . . .



PS For the other 20 "Hasmo Legends" (latest on top):


Getting Their Man: The Katsav Agenda

By Melchett Mike, January 5, 2011

[To the tune of “Wem-ber-ley, Wem-ber-ley . . .”]

“David *****, David *****, he’s a pervy w*nky bastard and his name is David ***** . . .”

So Arsenal fans would delight in singing during North London derbies in the late eighties, after it had come to light that the Tottenham manager had been cautioned (three times noch) for kerb crawling.


Walk on by: Tea and cake with Noam Shalit

By Melchett Mike, December 30, 2010

Strolling up Jerusalem’s Rechov Aza (Gaza Street) with Stuey and Dexxy last Wednesday teatime, I passed a tent which (from news coverage) I immediately recognised to be that set up by the family of Gilad Shalit.

Expecting only to find a handful of hard core activists inside – perhaps students and/or OAPs with too much time on their hands – I was amazed to see a seated Noam Shalit, the father of the kidnapped Israeli soldier.


Mitzvos on Melchett. Shocking on Sheinkin.

By Melchett Mike, December 21, 2010

There is something vaguely disconcerting, disturbing even, about one's first encounter with gay men having sex.

This I discovered as I walked up Sheinkin, early on Saturday evening, blissfully lost in a sense of well-being from Leeds United having just defeated Championship leaders, Queens Park Rangers, and occupying an automatic promotion spot for the first time this season.

I was shaken out of my reverie, however, by violent grunts and repeated exclamations of the "f" word (my mother insists on vetting these posts) from a first floor apartment on the other side of the street.


The Witriol Diaries, Part I (Hasmo Legends XX)

By Melchett Mike, December 15, 2010

I am not going post this one here, but if you are an ex-Hasmo or merely curious to read the diary of a teacher at the madhouse in the Sixties/Seventies . . .

And, for the other 19 "Hasmo Legends" (latest on top) . . .



Haaretz: Always hitting us when we're down

By Melchett Mike, December 4, 2010

I was shopping in Tel Aviv’s Shuk HaCarmel, late on Thursday afternoon, as news of the forty deaths in the Carmel Mountain fire started to filter through.


Nimas Lee: An open letter to HOT

By Melchett Mike, December 1, 2010

[More relevant to Israel-based readers perhaps, though it still might strike a chord with UK ones who have had experience of Israeli customer service! HOT is our cable TV provider . . . ]

To: HOT customer service, fax number 07770 78231

December 1, 2010

To Whom It May Concern, HOT:

I have been extremely frustrated for some years now by the supreme incompetence of HOT’s customer service . . .


Using my loaf: Monkey business in Shuk Ha'Carmel

By Melchett Mike, November 28, 2010

“They are all barbarians,” I exclaimed to Hanna, who had called me just as I was exiting Shuk Ha’Carmel – the Carmel Market – on Tuesday morning.

Hearing my own words, however, I was immediately struck by their unadulterated foolishness. Indeed, such a pronouncement about bastot (stall) owners in the Shuk – and after 15 years here – was up there, in the obviousness stakes, with statements such as “Israelis can, on occasion, be not particularly considerate drivers” and “Bibi may not really be interested in a settlement with the Palestinians.”


A queer kaddish at the Melchett minyan

By Melchett Mike, November 21, 2010

“Club Tropicana, drinks are free,
Fun and sunshine, there’s enough for everyone.
All that’s missing is the sea,
But don’t worry, you can suntan!”

With maximum respect to the co-writers of these fine lyrics, when I attended shul on Friday evening to recite kaddish in memory of my late brother Jonathan, I was not expecting to have to compete with George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley blaring from an adjacent apartment.


Operation Grandma: Sharp practice, or merely a mensch?

By Melchett Mike, November 10, 2010

“Oh, I am so sorry,” I comforted my friend on the telephone on Sunday evening, after she informed me that her nonagenarian grandmother had recently passed away.

“Was it sudden?” I enquire, with sensitivity and interest (they say women like those).

“What? Your family had only just bought her a brand new 42 inch LCD TV?”

Grandma’s passing had, clearly, not been anticipated.

“They paid over 4,000 shekels for it, but only want two and a half?”

I sit up.

“When can I come and see it?”


I'm forever blogging on bubbles . . .

By Melchett Mike, November 2, 2010

So detached is life in Tel Aviv from that in the rest of Israel and the Middle East that this city is often (most famously in the 2006 film of the same name) referred to as “the bubble.”

For much of last month, however, I exchanged this bubble for my former Anglo-Jewish one – a bubble no less – giving me the opportunity to redirect my blogging eye and (more so) ear from the Israeli to the British Jew (Jews in general being such a wonderful source of material for observational bloggers), and to consider in which bubble I best now fit . . .


Bitch, her 4x4, and other irritants

By Melchett Mike, October 9, 2010

There is this woman in the neighbourhood – for argument’s (and accuracy’s) sake, let’s call her “Bitch” – who, every morning, parks her 4x4 on the pedestrian crossing next to the kiosk (‘our’ café on Rothschild).

Bitch is in her mid-thirties, has a body to die for (and knows it), and couldn’t care less how many old folk, mothers and babies, schoolchildren, or people like me, walking their dogs, can’t safely negotiate the road while she sips on her hafuch (latte).


Eli Yishai: Cometh the Sabbath, cometh the man

By Melchett Mike, September 19, 2010

Shkoyach, Eli Yishai! Finally, someone with the principles to stop those immoral chilonim from paying their bills online on Shabbat and chagim (,7340,L-3954262,00.html). Whatever next with those godless bounders?!


When Kol Nidrei really was Kol Nidrei

By Melchett Mike, September 13, 2010

September the something, nineteen seventy-something. Early evening. The Main Shul, Hendon United Synagogue, Raleigh Close.

Males are streaming in through all six double oak doors. Warm handshakes and “Happy New Years” (none of that pretentious “Gmar, etc” business in them days) are liberally exchanged as they make their way down the carpeted aisles. The din is uniquely Jewish.