Melchett Mike

The Edot (Part I): The Pasty UK Years

By Melchett Mike, June 10, 2013

If pushed to give my primary reason for, on a good day (i.e., when I haven’t been induced into spasm by some impudent native), preferring life in Israel to that in the UK, then pipping even the food, weather and women (in ascending order of hotness) would have to be the rich tapestry of Jewish life here.


Chaim'll Fix It: When asking the rov may be asking for bovv[er]

By Melchett Mike, February 27, 2013

With Golders Green reeling from allegations (they are, at this stage, just that) of sexual abuse against one of its foremost Orthodox rabbis, the only thing that surprises me is that anyone is surprised at all.


My First Time

By Melchett Mike, November 21, 2012

“Don’t be silly,” I reassure Itzik, as we sip on our sachlabs on Rothschild early last Thursday evening. “Nothing will happen in Tel Aviv.”

It might as well be the cue for the siren.

There are a surreal couple of seconds, during which the occupants of adjacent tables exchange puzzled, yet pregnant, glances: “Is it . . . ? What now . . . ?”


Corrie verdict: A crushing blow for human rights

By Melchett Mike, September 2, 2012

Last week was a singularly horrid one for all of us who know that it is our universal, inalienable right to kneel in front of armoured bulldozers without getting our new keffiyehs (they are so cool!) dirty.


Highlands and Holy Lands: Observations from Civilisation

By Melchett Mike, August 27, 2012

While I find a ten-day getaway, each year, to some remote part or other of the British Isles to be conducive to my state of mental well-being, it can also leave me feeling rather worse than when I left, constituting a much-needed break from life in this mad little place, on the one hand, but also a painful reminder of the ‘small’ things that we can never enjoy here.


Foot in Mouth Disease: The Shortest Date

By Melchett Mike, August 20, 2012

I recently had my shortest ever date (excluding, of course, the lovely Odelia). It lasted a grand total of six minutes. And it was still too long.

I am not quite sure why I agreed to meet Irit. She was a nagger even on the phone. But there was something appealing about her JDate mugshot that led to me to grant her an audience.


And we're still fond of you, Moz!

By Melchett Mike, July 22, 2012

I knew you were something different, Moz, as soon as I – not-so-sweet sixteen, in November 1983 – first saw you, swinging those gladioli on Top of the Pops.

And I can still hear my mother mimicking the "uh-huh-hos" blaring from my bedroom after I had raced back from Our Price, Brent Cross, with my The Smiths cassette.

I was in your audience in Tel Aviv, yesterday evening.


Israel, boycott the Olympics!

By Melchett Mike, July 19, 2012

The Israeli Olympic squad should withdraw from the London Games, starting next Friday.

Seeing as the International Olympic Committee is clearly more concerned about upsetting Islamofascist anti-Semites than marking, with a minute’s silence, the memory of the 11 innocent Israelis slaughtered by Palestinian terrorists at the 1972 Munich Games, we have no place there.


Shavuos Caption Competition

By Melchett Mike, May 23, 2012

The following photograph was taken yesterday on Brent Street, Hendon . . .

Get those captions coming!


Grooming in the Green: Just imagine it

By Melchett Mike, May 10, 2012

A gang of nine Jewish males from Golders Green – eight English-born and one Israeli – has been convicted of grooming underage non-Jewish girls for sex, the vulnerable teenagers having been lavished with salt beef sandwiches (on rye) and latkes, and plied with Palwin No. 10, at kosher restaurants across North-West London.


John McCarthy

By Melchett Mike, May 2, 2012

I forgot to turn off my Internet radio, last night. It’s a fantastic piece of gear, that can broadcast BBC Radio 5 Live to Jaffa . . . if you want to hear it, that is.


Luzon my religion: Israel's not-so-beautiful game

By Melchett Mike, April 25, 2012

“No need for excuses,” quipped a fellow Anglo-Israeli on the phone, as I was attempting to explain why I was at Maccabi Tel Aviv vs. Rishon Le’tzion (and thus couldn’t hear him). And Ron had not missed the irony. There was, indeed, a need for excuses!


Buying in Bet Shemesh: Let the freier beware!

By Melchett Mike, April 17, 2012

I had to laugh just now, perusing The Jerusalem Post's Passover Real Estate supplement (passed down to me, JC-style, by my mother).


Brothers and sisters, stop yer wailing!

By Melchett Mike, April 1, 2012

Tomorrow marks 50 days since young Ethiopians set up a protest tent at the top of my street.


From Jew-obsession to the mechanics of murder

By Melchett Mike, March 26, 2012

“The Muslim faith has nothing to do with the insane acts of this man.”

So opined the French President, last week, following the latest acts of cold-blooded murder by a hate-filled Muslim, including once again – almost a year to the day since the Itamar infanticide – of three Jewish children, this time aged 3, 6 and 8.

“Nothing to do with”? Are you sure, Mr. Sarkozy?


From Raleigh C to Petach T: Musings on Shul

By Melchett Mike, March 20, 2012

The theory of Primary Return-to-Womb Craving describes the infant’s resentment at his extrusion from the womb, and his longing to return to it. And while this infant has, thankfully, got over the loss of that particular sanctuary, he has experienced greater difficulty in overcoming that of another: his former home town shul. I just haven’t found anywhere to replace Raleigh Close.


Some Don't Like It HOT

By Melchett Mike, February 7, 2012

After years of hair-tearing frustration with the crap cable, and even crapper customer, 'service' provided by HOT Israel, I am finally – following numerous broken promises (to myself) – doing something to disengage from the bastards: I am connecting my newly renovated apartment with HOT's satellite competitor, yes.


Dating Israeli Women (Part II): Freeing the Dirty Dog Within

By Melchett Mike, February 1, 2012

Well, it wasn’t really The End (see my previous blog, Dating Israeli Women: A Guide by the Perplexed). J . . . oh, f*** it, Jennifer forgave that e-mail, and granted me a stay of execution. A brief one. We saw each other twice more, before that dreaded pregnant pause on the telephone, on the evening before our fifth date . . .


Dating Israeli Women: A Guide by the Perplexed

By Melchett Mike, January 10, 2012

“You have to find an English speaker,” opined John over lunch on Hashmona’im Street last week, as I whinged about my latest debacle with Israel’s finest.

And John may well have a point. But it takes a strong-willed man to settle for fish and chips or a Big Mac and fries, when he could, instead, feast on a Me’urav Yerushalmi (Jerusalem mixed grill).


Spitters and splitters: what have the charedim ever done for us?

By Melchett Mike, December 31, 2011

Everyone’s been talking charedim here, this past week, after ultra-Orthodox Jews spat on a 7-year old girl as she walked home from school in Bet Shemesh.