Posts by StevenKalka

Classic Jewish Mother Jokes

StevenKalka — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 03:00:54 +0000

From the Jewish Joke List

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?
Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me!
Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac ,
you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"

BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica

Possible Defense of Anti-Semitic Egg Attack

StevenKalka — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 14:29:16 +0000

http://www.thejc.com/news/uk-news/60852/man-questioned-over-antisemitic-...

If the defendant wants to show real chutzpah, he'll claim that if he were truly anti-semitic, he would have tossed a plate of ham and eggs at the victims; but was respectful enough to avoid anything non-kosher.

Old Jewish Catskill Comedian's Classic Jokes

StevenKalka — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 19:53:06 +0000

You've probably heard these before, but they are still funny.

Those fabulous Jewish
Comedians, many of whom started in the Jewish Catskills:

Shecky Greene,
Red Buttons,
Totie Fields,
Joey Bishop,
Milton Berle,
Jan Murray,
Danny

Kaye,
Henny Youngman,
Buddy Hackett,
Sid Caesar,
Groucho Marx,
Jackie Mason,
Victor Borge,
Woody Allen,
Joan Rivers,
Lenny Bruce,
George Burns,
Allan Sherman,
Jerry Lewis,

Peter Sellers,
Carl Reiner,
Shelley Berman,
Gene Wilder,
George Jessel,
Alan King,
Mel Brooks,
Phil Silvers,
Jack Carter,
Rodney Dangerfield,
Don Rickles,
Jack Benny
Mansel Rubenstein
and so many others.

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't bereporting it. The thief spends
less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she

shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his

bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor:"You'll live to be 60!"
Patient:"I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient:"I have a ringing in my ears."

Doctor:"Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."

The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth

it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won
Ton spelled backward is Not
Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q:Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A:Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
.

Q:Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A:They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida ,

"Mom, how are you?"

" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38
days."

The son said, "That's terrible.

Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered,"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks,

"What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q:How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:(Sigh)"Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:

They tried to kill us. We won.
Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

"Force yourself," she replied.

Jewish Country and Western Song Titles

StevenKalka — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 19:44:33 +0000

1. Honky Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights

2. I Balanced your Books, but you Broke My Heart

3. Same Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament

The History of the Air Conditioner - Tribal Humor

StevenKalka — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 00:44:31 +0000

The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hyman, and Maximillian invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º.

The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.

The brothers refused saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million Ford cars.

They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls the names "Norm", "Hi", and "Max".

(from the "Chabad of Oceanside" website. This is one version of a popular joke).

Answer to "What I Want to Know"

StevenKalka — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 21:24:58 +0000

"What I want to know is...

How is it that someone ( who happens to be an Arab ), whose parents and generations before them, who fled Haifa in a war situation, have less right to live in Haifa then some American or Russia ( who happens to be Jewish ),and whose only claimed connection is that thousands of years ago some people of vaguely similar ethnicity lived around there ?" asks Katie.

Katie, the answer is nationhood as it's commonly known is built among people with common cultural norms, religion, language, political and economic ideas, etc. As a US citizen, I have less right to become a Canadian citizen than an Australian immigrant. Why? Because we revolted against British rule over 200 years ago and are not in the Commonwealth.

Ireland gives preferential treatment to those of Irish background. Bulgaria gives ethnic Bulgarians an edge. Russian and America Jews certainly have more in common with Israeli Jews than with Arabs. This isn't so amazing.

Roger Waters to wed in 2012

StevenKalka — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 18:38:00 +0000

Roger Waters will remarry in 2012 for the 4th time. Will the couple honeymoon in the Gaza or in the West Bank?

http://www.contactmusic.com/news/roger-waters-to-wed-for-fourth-time-in-...

Wonderful Memories of the Jewish Catskills

StevenKalka — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 01:38:44 +0100

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7I1izk2NWFY&feature=related

Conversion to Judaism

StevenKalka — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 04:03:42 +0100

There was once a woman who wanted to become Jewish to please her Jewish husband. So, she went to see a rabbi. After a long process, the rabbi told her to enter a mikvah and dunk her head.

The woman responded, "I just went to the beauty parlor and had my hair done. The permit cost me 20 pounds. Is there any way I can go in without dunking my head?" The rabbi paused for a minute and replied, "Well, you can go in without dunking your head, but then you'll still have a goyishe kop".

Jewish Identity by Name - Isaac Asimov

StevenKalka — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 18:51:09 +0100

Famed science fiction writer Isaac Asimov was a noted atheistic Jew. According to a condensed biography of his 3 part autobiography by his widow, "It's Been a Good Life", he once gave a presentation or lecture on Rosh Hashanah. A couple of days later he received an angry call from someone asking him why he was trying to hide being Jewish. The caller was named Jackson Davenport (not his real name, but one just as waspy). Issac replied, "If I wanted to hide being Jewish, I would have changed my name to something like yours."
That ended the call.

That was a great answer!.

Israel is a unique western style country

StevenKalka — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 21:22:12 +0100

"Of course otherwise it wouldn't be a western style country
doh !!!!!!" says Ben F

Israel is the only western style nation surrounded by all hostile non-western Islamic nations. It's neighbors do not accept non-Islamic rule over formerly Islamic nations. Israel is western like in terms of institutions such as industry, technology, education.

Ignore the anti-semites and self-hating Jews

StevenKalka — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 22:46:13 +0100

If you're at a party and you find individuals on a totally different wavelength from you despite many discussions and nothing further can be gained, it's best to ignore them. Either they'll leave or just talk among themselves.

The same should apply here.

Difference between St. Andrew's incident and the West Bank

StevenKalka — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 20:23:01 +0100

In the accidental tragic killing of the 67 year old man in the West Bank, the IDF were raiding a Hamas cell. That raid was legitimate business.

In the other incident, the Jewish student had every right to keep an Israeli flag between his bed and the wall. What the offender did was no accident. Inebriation is no excuse.

In western legal systems, intent is 90% of the law.

Park Slope Brooklyn Food Co-op proposes boycott of Israel

StevenKalka — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 16:25:38 +0100

Another business proposes a boycott of Israel, a food co-op in a trendy lefty brownstone neighborhood in Brooklyn. I've never heard about this happening in traditional for profit grocery stores and supermarkets.

http://www.tabletmag.com/life-and-religion/75046/food-fight-2/

More on US Subprime Mortgage Crisis

StevenKalka — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 00:38:27 +0100

Economist Thomas Sowell comments on the US Subprime Mortgage Crisis. He faults federal mortgage policy that forced banks to grant mortgages to applicants with questionable credit worthiness. What's notable is that Thomas Sowell
is an African-American who sees through all that malarkey.

http://townhall.com/columnists/thomassowell/2011/08/02/misleading_words