It is pasty, round and untoned. What is it? The average British "bikini body". Sure, most of us have worked hard to perfect these goddess-like physiques - endless hours of eating out, lazing on the couch and not going to the gym are the three key ingredients for the Kelly Brook look. Not.
Unfortunately, with the holiday season here, the time has come to bare it all (and I mean all). Let us rejoice, then, in the fact that we can hide the sins of the winter hibernation period in a mix of sarongs, beach dresses and even kaftans. Thankfully, beachwear is so much more than just a swimsuit - I mean, maybe we don't even need to flaunt that itsy-bitsy number at all.
First things first - it is essential that your swimwear (whatever shape it may be) flatters your figure. Thus highlighting your best bits and, well, disguising the rest - if you find one that suits, buy it in every colour. In truth, it would take a miracle to make us look drastically different, but there is a plethora of beach-friendly gear out there that will not only have us looking chic on the beach, but darn good too.
The kaftan - boy, does it work a treat at hiding just about everything while being surprisingly elegant and un-sack like at the same time. Printed designs look fab over basic swimsuits and I love the embellished pieces that have been championed through season after season. Monsoon is famous for its reasonably priced yet super-glam kaftans and there really is something there for everyone. Try a splash of colour like its sequinned, bold, blue stunner. It is cool enough for the day but it will be your partner in crime at the bar come six o'clock - just add those white denims.
Remember detailed necklines are ideal for pear shapes, drawing attention up and away from those hips. Too glitzy for you? Then go for a more classic print like this Beach by Melissa Odabash piece. The warm chocolate colours work a treat with that tan.
Then there is the sundress - from breakfast to the beach it is by far the most versatile garment around. Wear it with your flips and sun-hat for the day and simply add wedges and a clutch come night time...ta da. Hot on the high street is Accessorize's graphic print maxi. The best bit about it? It hides a multitude of sins, of course.
PS. Do not forget that beach bag. Matalan has caused a riot with their big-enough-for-everything straw gem. At £6, it is worth every penny.