The Diary

We're from Turkmenistan!

By Simon Round, January 8, 2009

This letter, which was actually published by the South Wales Echo, sheds new light on both the conflict in Gaza and the origins of the Jewish people.

Peter Sunman of Cardiff asserts that “these Israelis [who attacked Gaza] are not Jews but are Ashkenazim which means that they adopted the Jewish faith as a matter of convenience.

“They are not born of a Jewish mother so cannot be Jews.”

He adds: “Since they [the Ashkenazim] are from Turkmenistan originally, how does the land of Palestine become their home?”

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Chanucah stress gets to Ronson

By Simon Round, December 30, 2008

Samantha Ronson, the DJ sister of record producer Mark Ronson and girlfriend of actress Lindsay Lohan, was briefly admitted to hospital last week... and blamed the stress of Chanucah for her ailment.

Ronson said her schedule left no time to buy Chanucah presents and that this led to a minor breakdown. She explained on her MySpace page: “Happy Chanucah! Thanks for all your messages. I’m home and all good.

“I was just pretty exhausted from travelling and working too much to buy Chanucah gifts and my Jewish mother was worried about me.”

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Skullcap and crossbones

By Simon Round, December 30, 2008

If anyone thought that the Jews were a nation of landlubbers, a new book sheds some interesting new light on what used to pass for a job for a nice Jewish boy.

According to Jewish Pirates of the Caribbean by Edward Kritzler, there were a number of Jews flying the Jolly Roger on the high seas in the years following the Spanish Inquisition.

One, a man named Samuel Palache, was a “pirate rabbi” who sent a flotilla of privateers to operate against Spanish shipping. Then at weekends he returned to his congregation — as minister of Holland’s first synagogue.

Oy vey, Jim lad!

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Naked before the law

By Simon Round, December 30, 2008

An Israeli man found himself briefly behind bars after a card game went terribly wrong.

The Ashdod man, in his 20s, lost the game and a bet, according to which the loser had to run naked through the streets of the town, take a swim in the sea and run back again.

He was intercepted by surprised police officers while completing his mission at midnight.

After being arrested on charges of public nudity, the man made an unusual request to officer Levin Constantine. “I ask you to allow me to return to my friends naked.”

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The evidence is complete pants

By Simon Round, December 23, 2008

An Israeli woman has come up with a slightly unusual way of proving that her husband cheated on her.

The woman, in her 50s, took a pair of her husband’s underpants to a lab in a bid to prove that an affair was taking place.

Without going too closely into the rather icky details, the lab was able to confirm that certain, er, secretions, proved that someone had gained access to the aforementioned Y-fronts and that the DNA of the sample did not belong to either the wife or the husband.

The evidence was then supplied to the Rabbinical court as proof that adultery had taken place.

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Emily’s chief rabbi gaffe

By Simon Round, December 23, 2008

Newsreader Emily Maitlis revealed to The Spectator that her low point of the year was when she inadvertently accused Chief Rabbi Sir Jonathan Sacks of leaving lewd messages on people’s answering machines.

While presenting BBC News 24 she managed to mix up the names of Andrew Sachs and Jonathan Ross — to make Jonathan Sacks.

Maitlis said: “I haven’t heard from the Chief Rabbi and Yom Kippur is a long way off but I should probably put that on the atoning list.”

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Happy birthday, Adolf

By Simon Round, December 23, 2008

A cake shop in New Jersey has become embroiled in an argument after it refused to personalise a birthday cake with a toddler’s name.

The boy’s family, the Campbells, are up in arms — they cannot understand why the shop has refused to inscribe little Adolf Hitler Campbell’s name on the cake.

Said Adolf’s mother: “ShopRite can’t even make a cake for a three-year-old. That’s sad.”

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US pick Jesus for Ryder Cup

By Simon Round, December 19, 2008

Given the number of Jews who enjoy golf, you wonder why there are none at the top levels of the game — except of course for the newly appointed US Ryder Cup captain, Corey Pavin.

Actually, Pavin counts as a near miss. He was born Jewish but at the vital moment, he lost his concentration and converted to evangelical Christianity (the spiritual equivalent of the yips). Mark Reason speculated in the Daily Telegraph that his background might have played a part in the appointment: “Is it possible that the PGA saw a Jesus syndrome in Pavin, a convert from Judaism to Christianity?”

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Baruch Obama: the first Jewish president?

By Simon Round, December 19, 2008

Could it be that Barack Obama is the first Jewish president? Veteran judge and politician Abner Mikva, suggests so in the Chicago Tribune: “I use the expression yiddishe neshuma to describe him. It means a Jewish soul.” Maybe he was Baruch Obama all the time.

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Rourke on Shabbat

By Simon Round, December 19, 2008

Actor Mickey Rourke has been keeping Shabbat.

Rourke, who needed to display a buff physique in his new film, The Wrestler, employed an Israeli to help him get into the required shape.
Said Rourke: “I hired this Israeli cage fighter who was from the army and he was real strict with me... I was sore all the time, all day and all night.”

However, because his trainer was Orthodox there was one compensation — Shabbat. “I had one night a week because my trainer was a Jewish dude, and he wasn’t allowed to work on Saturdays. I couldn’t wait for that day to come.”

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