The Diary

Naked before the law

By Simon Round, December 30, 2008

An Israeli man found himself briefly behind bars after a card game went terribly wrong.

The Ashdod man, in his 20s, lost the game and a bet, according to which the loser had to run naked through the streets of the town, take a swim in the sea and run back again.

He was intercepted by surprised police officers while completing his mission at midnight.

After being arrested on charges of public nudity, the man made an unusual request to officer Levin Constantine. “I ask you to allow me to return to my friends naked.”

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The evidence is complete pants

By Simon Round, December 23, 2008

An Israeli woman has come up with a slightly unusual way of proving that her husband cheated on her.

The woman, in her 50s, took a pair of her husband’s underpants to a lab in a bid to prove that an affair was taking place.

Without going too closely into the rather icky details, the lab was able to confirm that certain, er, secretions, proved that someone had gained access to the aforementioned Y-fronts and that the DNA of the sample did not belong to either the wife or the husband.

The evidence was then supplied to the Rabbinical court as proof that adultery had taken place.

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Emily’s chief rabbi gaffe

By Simon Round, December 23, 2008

Newsreader Emily Maitlis revealed to The Spectator that her low point of the year was when she inadvertently accused Chief Rabbi Sir Jonathan Sacks of leaving lewd messages on people’s answering machines.

While presenting BBC News 24 she managed to mix up the names of Andrew Sachs and Jonathan Ross — to make Jonathan Sacks.

Maitlis said: “I haven’t heard from the Chief Rabbi and Yom Kippur is a long way off but I should probably put that on the atoning list.”

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Happy birthday, Adolf

By Simon Round, December 23, 2008

A cake shop in New Jersey has become embroiled in an argument after it refused to personalise a birthday cake with a toddler’s name.

The boy’s family, the Campbells, are up in arms — they cannot understand why the shop has refused to inscribe little Adolf Hitler Campbell’s name on the cake.

Said Adolf’s mother: “ShopRite can’t even make a cake for a three-year-old. That’s sad.”

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US pick Jesus for Ryder Cup

By Simon Round, December 19, 2008

Given the number of Jews who enjoy golf, you wonder why there are none at the top levels of the game — except of course for the newly appointed US Ryder Cup captain, Corey Pavin.

Actually, Pavin counts as a near miss. He was born Jewish but at the vital moment, he lost his concentration and converted to evangelical Christianity (the spiritual equivalent of the yips). Mark Reason speculated in the Daily Telegraph that his background might have played a part in the appointment: “Is it possible that the PGA saw a Jesus syndrome in Pavin, a convert from Judaism to Christianity?”

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Baruch Obama: the first Jewish president?

By Simon Round, December 19, 2008

Could it be that Barack Obama is the first Jewish president? Veteran judge and politician Abner Mikva, suggests so in the Chicago Tribune: “I use the expression yiddishe neshuma to describe him. It means a Jewish soul.” Maybe he was Baruch Obama all the time.

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Rourke on Shabbat

By Simon Round, December 19, 2008

Actor Mickey Rourke has been keeping Shabbat.

Rourke, who needed to display a buff physique in his new film, The Wrestler, employed an Israeli to help him get into the required shape.
Said Rourke: “I hired this Israeli cage fighter who was from the army and he was real strict with me... I was sore all the time, all day and all night.”

However, because his trainer was Orthodox there was one compensation — Shabbat. “I had one night a week because my trainer was a Jewish dude, and he wasn’t allowed to work on Saturdays. I couldn’t wait for that day to come.”

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Seeds of hatred

By Simon Round, December 11, 2008

An American supermarket group is in trouble after it was discovered it was stocking a virulently antisemitic packet of... sunflower seeds
The owner of the Net Cost group apologised when shoppers started complaining about a brand of seeds featuring a sinister looking, kippah-wearing Jew.

The packet bore the label “Shalom from Israel” in Russian and, on the other side, a slang phrase meaning “spit them out everywhere”, alluding to what snackers might like to do with Jews.

An abashed Edward Shnayder, owner of Net Cost, quickly withdrew the seeds from all its branches.

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Bosnich saves the day

By Simon Round, December 11, 2008

Twelve years ago, goalkeeper Mark Bosnich got himself into trouble after giving a mock Hitler salute when playing for Aston Villa at, of all clubs, Tottenham Hotspur.

Now his rehabilitation is complete after he coached at the Maccabi Futsal Club in his native Australia.

After teaching children at the club, Bosnich said he still regretted the mistake. “The thing was, my Auntie, who lives in Croatia, is Jewish.”

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PA pulls plug on Al Jazeera

By Simon Round, December 11, 2008

The mother of all broigeses has broken out between the Al Jazeera news channel and the Palestinian Authority.

Al Jazeera has been banned from the Mukata Presidential compound in Ramallah after the TV channel failed to carry a live broadcast of Palestinan Authority President Mahmoud Abbas. To compound the insult, Al Jazeera instead screened a live speech by the Hamas leader Khaled Mashaal in Damascus.

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