Surely, the only way is Chessex
They may come from Chelsea but they don't wear Boden. And they may come from Essex, but they take their holidays in Barbados and the British Virgin Islands and shop in Harvey Nichols.
Sound familiar? Yup, they are the Chessex girls, a style phenomenon of the early noughties, when the two seemingly polar opposite tribes of Chelsea and Essex amalgamated to create a single clan of tanned, bare-legged, blonde, label-dripping glamazons.
And now, with their bare-legs, big hair, Botox, Barbados tans and gleaming white teeth, Chessex girls are back, thanks in part to the hit ITV2 "reality" programme, The Only Way is Essex (or TOWIE to its fans). Here is the JC's special TOWIE guide to help you get the Chessex look wherever you live.
● Where better to get authentic Chessex big hair than with hair extensions in Essex? At her salon in South Woodford, ex-Ilford Jewish Primary pupil Jaimie Jackson-Skeats specializes in clients from the TOWIE demographic - early 20s, live at home with parents, big disposable income. They pay £500-plus for the optimum volume in human hair (£350 synthetic) but for those who just want added oomph, prices start at £75. www.jaimiej.com
● Teeth whitening is not optional: unless you were born with whiter-than-white pearlies, you will need the services of a specialist teeth whitening clinic. At the Dental Health Centre in Gants Hill, Michael Korb and Eli Joffe offer take-home trays at £200 or "in-chair" whitening which takes 90 minutes, lifts your smile several shades towards snowy whiteness and, with their current offer, costs £350 www.dental-healthcentre.co.uk
● Sorry, reader, this is where the beauty team go all bossy on you. Too many of the Essex girls in TOWIE tan at a tanning salon. This is a proven health risk. Try faking it, instead, with St Tropez, Sienna X, or new Tights in a Tin from W7 at £5.95.
● The only way is designer (natch Christian Louboutin, Rupert Sanderson, Jimmy Choo, Miu Miu) and towering heels, but clever girls (or ones who like to eat) sometimes fake it. Check out our Chockers Loubo lookalikes, above.
● Subtle and low-key Chessex girl isn't. If it doesn't have a designer label (brands of choice include Dolce & Gabbana and Roberto Cavalli) it isn't worth having. For real Essex girls, Zee & Co in Loughton is favourite for a fashion fix, while jeans come from Injeanious in Chigwell. For those who don't live with their parents, DWS Designer Warehouse Sales www.dwslondon.co.uk has their favourite designers at reduced prices.